Tuesday, December 29, 2009

results from first day of experiment

I shouldn't have taken my medicine at night. Even though my prescription tells me to take Wellbutrin twice a day, I think I should build up to the recommended dose. I couldn't fall asleep until 3am last night (even though I was exhausted), I had a night full of tossing and turning and insanely complicated and vivid dreams, and then I woke up at 8am. I am back to being exhausted. BUT I still think it is working well. I have been in a slightly less chipper mood today, but I think that's mostly due to the lack of sleep.

Last night I decided to check out the side effects of Wellbutrin. I already know a lot about it, but I just wanted to refresh my memory. I realize every drug has side effects. And although many tend to have side effects that sound incredibly terrifying, almost to the point that the side effects sound worse than the disease, these side effects don't usually manifest themselves or are at least a lot less severe. That being said, side effects still cause fear in my heart (which may be a side effect of something or other). I got nervous. Do I really want to start taking antidepressants again? Do I want to be dependent on a substance? Will these chemicals floating around in my brain and blood and body ultimately be beneficial or bad news? I guess this is why I am conducting the experiment-- because I just don't know the answers right now.

And maybe I will never know the answers. Maybe I should stop my constant concern about the long term and instead focus mainly on the short term, even if that seems a bit irresponsible.

Nothing is ever going to be 100% good or 100% bad. Right now the good outweighs the bad in this antidepressant experiment, so I accept that and will continue the experiment. Wish me luck and pleasant dreams.

1 comment:

Rachel. said...

Good luck, and pleasant dreams.

And maybe, could you also keep us posted on this experiment? I ask them too about whether I should take antidepressants again, but so far have not been brave enough to even try to answer them. So kudos to you.