2009... you little bastard.

Well, I feel like I have to write something about 2009. My fear is that a) there is too much to tell, b) some of the things to tell should probably be written down in a locked diary and hidden under my mattress, and c) I don't feel quite prepared or ready to write about the year. Will I ever be prepared or ready, though? No. So instead of meditating about the year for a few minutes/hours and then writing this post, I will instead make this post my meditation. This will be messy, this will not be chronological, and in no way will this be logical. Abstract, fragmented, vulnerable-- descriptions of this post and this past year. And it begins (ends):

*January was a bit of a haze. Probably went to a couple of parties, talked about Europe and cruises, and closed a few chapters.
*February 14. Snowy, wet day. Had plans to hang out with that Jack kid from school. Met at Savers. Went to lunch. Bookstores. Del Taco. Parking lot. Kiss on the cheek. Scrape ice off car. And the crush begins.
*Write poems about Jesus, of course. Get a non-Jesus poem published in a journal.
*Team Engaged. The most school involvement I have had in nearly 8 years. They lose; doesn't matter. Great friends and great posters are made.
*March 12. I actually have a boyfriend.
*Moab. Sparkle. Become better friends with Whitney. Najib has a knife.
*Beat wedding.
*Job at museum ends. Thanks a lot, budget cuts.
*How in the world did I become the features editor of the school paper? Well, I know how. Because I applied and I was qualified. But when did I become such a go-getter?
*Cut hair, dye brown. Not big news, I do it all the time.
*Move in to apartment with Jennifer as my roommate (and then eventually Greg and Jack as my roommates as well).
*Oh yeah, I ate pizza for the first time in ages and felt relatively okay about it.
*Celebrate 25th birthday camping with my dad and sister. It rains.
*Spend all summer adjusting, reading, and reading. Oh, and reading.
*Things really really really begin to suck in August.
*And I mean suck really bad.
*I become a vegan for a little while. Start a blog with a clever name.
*Newspaper retreat in Park City. Read out of the Bible. To everything there is a season.
*Go to Jackson with my dad and sister. Peaceful.
*Write an insane number of papers for somewhat insanely difficult (but rewarding) classes. Proud of myself (sort of).
*Newspaper conference in Austin. Halloween night I, as Bob Dylan, become Holy! Holy! Holy! at Black Cats.
*Thanksgiving. And then Christmas. Books.
*Medicine. Pills. Caffeine.
*Buddha, please.
*I am getting tired.
*This year was pretty dull. No big surprises or ups or downs. PSYCH YOU SO HARD IN THE HEAD.

It's time for me to publish this. I don't really want to write anything else at the moment. Poetic lines are not coming to me. I do not know how to end this. Not that it's the end, though. So I will leave you with these words: The way to illumination appears dark.

today i thought about some goals

I start a lot of my posts with the words "I" and "Today," but not this time!!! Oh wait, yes, this time. But just wait until next time!!! There's not a chance I will begin my post with "I" or "Today." This will be my sole New Year's goal.

Okay, not really. I have a couple of other New Year's goals. They are as follows:
*learn yoga and do yoga
*Along with billions of other people, I want to be healthy. I even bought The Complete Idiot's Guide to Total Nutrition. Bring on the amino acids.

I can't remember my other New Year's goals/resolutions... Damn. Oh well, those two are pretty good ones that will take up time and energy, so why overwhelm myself with more tasks?

Prepare yourself for a "look back at 2009" post. I may need a tranquilizer after I write it.

results from first day of experiment

I shouldn't have taken my medicine at night. Even though my prescription tells me to take Wellbutrin twice a day, I think I should build up to the recommended dose. I couldn't fall asleep until 3am last night (even though I was exhausted), I had a night full of tossing and turning and insanely complicated and vivid dreams, and then I woke up at 8am. I am back to being exhausted. BUT I still think it is working well. I have been in a slightly less chipper mood today, but I think that's mostly due to the lack of sleep.

Last night I decided to check out the side effects of Wellbutrin. I already know a lot about it, but I just wanted to refresh my memory. I realize every drug has side effects. And although many tend to have side effects that sound incredibly terrifying, almost to the point that the side effects sound worse than the disease, these side effects don't usually manifest themselves or are at least a lot less severe. That being said, side effects still cause fear in my heart (which may be a side effect of something or other). I got nervous. Do I really want to start taking antidepressants again? Do I want to be dependent on a substance? Will these chemicals floating around in my brain and blood and body ultimately be beneficial or bad news? I guess this is why I am conducting the experiment-- because I just don't know the answers right now.

And maybe I will never know the answers. Maybe I should stop my constant concern about the long term and instead focus mainly on the short term, even if that seems a bit irresponsible.

Nothing is ever going to be 100% good or 100% bad. Right now the good outweighs the bad in this antidepressant experiment, so I accept that and will continue the experiment. Wish me luck and pleasant dreams.

experiment

It's the end of a decade, but it's the beginning of an experiment.

Today I took my Wellbutrin for the first time in months.

I don't know exactly why I went off of it in the first place. I have always been careless with my medication, unfortunately. I take it sporadically and then will suddenly decide that I don't want to take it all, so I quit cold tofurkey. The side effects, I believe, of quitting cold gobble gobble are worse than any side effects while taking it. So why the inconsistency? Again... I don't know.

Lately I have been a bit on the manic depressive side. The sudden mood swings scare me and cause me to do and say things that I deeply regret. Thinking about all of this, I decided to conduct an experiment. I took my Wellbutrin this morning and will continue to take it to see if I notice a positive change in my mood and behavior. If so, great. I will then continue to take it consistently. If not, that's okay. I will then go off of it gradually and not cold fowl.

How do I feel today? Well, I honestly feel great. Much more stable. This could very well be a placebo effect because I don't think I could feel the Wellbutrin in just one day, but... Maybe? Whatever it is that is causing my improved mood and outlook, I like it and it has been a much needed relief.

Next experiment: What will happen if I eat a steak during an Animal Alliance Club coffee night?

comedy troupe

I apologize for never posting my second favorite photo the other night. But have no fear (especially if it's a No Fear T-shirt circa 1996), here is the picture:

You've already seen this on Facebook circa Now, so this picture isn't very exciting anymore. BUT IT WAS AT ONE TIME. Look at how composed we all are. Good for us.

Tater Tot-ler

Here is a picture of a boy named Tim or Kevin or something who prefers to be called Tater Tot instead:



He also got kicked out of preschool for having LONG HAIR.

He also looks like a miniature version of Jack Jared Waters.

This is my favorite picture. My SECOND favorite picture will be posted later tonight. Stay tuned or stay LAME.

inside my igloo is a heart

Things I don't understand:
*Twin Peaks (but I love it)
*money as god
*my quickly rising and falling obsessions
*pork butt roast (this is a real thing!!! what is it aside from the punchline of a thousand jokes???)
*god as money
*Nickelback

Things I understand:
*Felicity's insecurities in college
*the lure of Walmart (cheap prices, poor treatment of employees, and customers that shop in pajamas-- all charming)
*buying a book for its pictures
*denim shirt, denim pants, denim on the brain
*breakfast
*i is for igloo nine times out of ten

the batshit craziness of finals is here and gently stroking my hair while singing nonsensical riddles in my ear

If only I could write blogs instead of 10-page papers... But that is AGAINST THE RULES and I must continue to play by these soul crushing rules if I am ever to graduate. (And then I shall go on to play a different set of rules that deal with 9-5s and corporate suits and broken copy machines-- psych. I plan on being a barista or nun or something after college. Truly. That's another post for another time, though.) Anyway, what was I saying? I can't remember. Kidding, I can completely remember because it's all I completely think about all the complete time. My paaaaper.

Sure, I've had weeks and weeks to work on this paper. Sure, I could have started it weeks and weeks ago and been much less stressed than I am right now. Sure, but then what kind of red-blooded American college student would I be? A responsible one? They don't exist. They are just a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster or Michael Jordan.

Oh, I could go on complaining and whining and crying about my irresponsible and lazy work ethic, but what fun would that be for you the reader? Instead I will delight (and perhaps disgust! disturb! disappoint!) you with a list of facts from today:

*I got a free hat from Outdoor Recreation! I don't know why they were giving away free hats, but they were. I love my new hat and so will you. There is a picture below that you have PROBABLY already seen on Facebook/in your dreams.
*I wore my big, clunky, unfashionable, WARM and SAFE snow boots again. I remember being 21 or 22 and insisting that I wear my white cowboy boots during the winter months. I fell so many times in those boots because they were not made for anything but looking cool/stupid. Now that I am sOoOo much older, it feels good to care less about fashion and more about practicality.
*I am freezing my ass and everything else off in the newsroom. GOOD THING I HAVE MY HAT AND BOOTS TO KEEP ME WARM. And Jack.
*Not to bring up my paper again, but... Well, to bring up my paper again, I decided just a few hours ago to be insane and change the topic of it completely. I threw my old idea out with the bathwater (?) and started reading up on everything hip hop. I actually feel good about this, despite having to write the whole thing in just a few days.
*I stole some trail mix off of Jessica's desk. Jessica, if you read this, I am not talking about you. I am talking about that other Jessica from the newsroom. No worries.
*Hey, Jack, I can smell your 12 inch... SUBWAY SANDWICH, that is! It smells delightfully subby.
*This isn't news from today, but from yesterday: I received quite the positive feedback in class about my play. How could you NOT love a play that includes a psychotic Snuggle Bear? Okay, so I am thinking a couple of people, including a dude who writes really bad Westerns, actually hated my play. But whatevs. The people whose opinions I trust liked it. Maybe one day I will let you read excerpts from it, blog reader(s).

Sorry. Long. But now the moment you have all waited for/dreaded-- The uncensored picture of my uncensored and unpriced (FREE) hat:

days of derangement, nights of passion!!!

The hours that remain keep punching me in the chest and forcing my head into a toilet while flushing over and over and over again.

Basically, the deadline for my Goshert paper is getting closer and it won't stop bullying me. Drowning in my own doubts everytime I start (or even think about) a paper sure wears a girl out.

And even though everyone else is swamped by stress, I sometimes feel like the only one-- like this whole college thing is a big elaborate plan by a group of sadistic individuals posing as professors to drive me into the hollow world of hysteria.

But then I realize I just bring this senselessness on myself. I could have prevented! I could have prevented! Can I still? In all seriousness, I do not know.

this is not sad; but don't worry, not everyone is not sad

There is too much sadness inside everyone. I don't have to add to it. I want to write uplifting words! Why do I only write when I am sad? And is it bad that the one thing I "do well" is the one thing I do when I am sad? So do I subconsciously stay/make myself sad in order to produce odd, scrambled writing? Because when I am happy (or relatively so), I end up writing the way Kinkade paints cottages. What? Exactly. But it's too easy to only write when I am feeling down. There are so many holy holy holy things to unearth inside of me and transfer onto the page/blog/skin. Let me do it! Let me breathe in the golden eternity! My promise to you (and me), however, is that this golden eternity shall not include glowing highlights and saturated pastel colors. Or maybe it will! Who knows! Holy Kinkade! Holy insistent cottage coziness! Holy idyllic settings such as gardens, streams, and more stone cottages! HOLY!

i am sad, but don't worry; everyone is sad

No words come to me anymore. I feel chronically sleepy. I could stay in bed all day, just tossing the sheet up in the air and letting it slowly fall, slightly suffocating me over and over again.

I want to do things over again.