i love all of you guys romantically

The UPS man at work always flirts with me. It's funny. Supposedly people call him "Apollo" because he looks like a god, which he doesn't.

Today I went to Good Earth to buy healthy vegan and mostly organic food. I want to be healthy and vegan and mostly organic. But then I came home after grocery shopping and mindlessly ate the crappiest food. I always eat poorly when I am tired-- And after a night of wine and whiskey. Gross. Cool? No. Gross. Numb and dumb.

I am becoming MORE and MORE comfortable with who I am (seriously-- even though it may not seem like it at all). And not just comfortable with myself physically, but I am starting to be okay with being open about the decisions I make and the person I am. I tend to hide things from people for fear of them being disappointed in me, worried, etc. I won't go into too much detail, but basically I feel mostly fine with letting everyone know that I am a Buddha-loving-occasional-wine-drinking-psychedelic gal. Take it or leave it or just check it out for awhile and then return it.

ZzZzZzZZZzzzzZzZz. me just fell asleep. me just turn into cave woman. me just turn into sleepwalking cave womyn with an attitude.

machines have souls

I feel kind of bad that I was so harsh on the Superbowl in one of my previous entries. I don't really have anything against the Superbowl. I don't even care. I think I was just feeling a bit anarchistic(?) that day. So anyway, I am going to see my friend's band tonight at Urban Lounge. Musée Mécanique. Check them out on WIKI-F**KING-PEDIA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mus%C3%A9e_M%C3%A9canique_(band). I have never actually MET this friend, but I have known him for... five years? Four? Long story. Not really THAT long. But long enough that it would be boring to tell it here, on the world wide web of lies. Nobody ever leaves me comments.

just a little something in my eye, just a little depression in my eye. my right eye. my left eye has stigmata. how is that possible? it's not.

I wish there was someone I could be sad to. Today was a good day. It really was. For so many reasons. But it was also a moody day. And at one point it was a cry uncontrollably on my bed for twenty minutes while feeling completely alone day. And I had no idea who to turn to. If I cried to person 1, 1 would be so stressed out and probably get really depressed. If I cried to person 2, 2 would get angry. If I cried to person 3, 3 would have to leave quickly. I also feel like in the past I have been too much of an emotional burden on certain people, so I am trying to be less... Needy? I don't know if "needy" is the right word... But maybe it's the perfect word.

So who to cry to? Maybe I just need to invest in a stuffed animal. Or find a hotline. 1-800-SHOULDER. Perhaps a rug would be the best investment. A rug, a broom, some pills, and sweep sweep smile smile all the while.

this is just to say/write/butcher

I just found a really funny and tiny back-and-forth note tucked away in a William Carlos Williams poetry book I bought at Savers. It was found in between pages 74 and 75, between "This Is Just to Say" and "The Sea-Elephant". And here is what it says:

"Got any buds?" "I'm getting some today. Do you want crip or mexi?" "How much do you get crip for an oz." "$60 an 1/8"

Kids these days with their poetry and pot, their Williams and weed.

I have smoked
the buds
that were in
the shoebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for a really kickass buffet or Pink Floyd light show

Forgive me
they were potent
so fluffy
and so fresh

(My apologies to WCW.)

rosy cheeks vs. skeletor

healthy

unhealthy

good stuff

So everyone knows that my job is ridiculously easy. For 20 hours a week, I sit in front of a computer and a) update my Facebook status, b) do USA Today crossword puzzles, c) read bestweekever.tv, d) post blogs about how easy my job is, or e) none of the above. WELL, this is a trick question because it is actually all of the above. So no matter what, you would get this question wrong. Yet despite this foolproof job, I manage to fool it up. I took ONE bathroom break less than an hour before closing and the two minutes I am gone my boss comes in to find the front desk empty. And I get a "talk" about how I can't leave the front desk. I know, man! I didn't for five hours! But a gal has to empty her bladder sooner or later. But I seriously don't care. I really did just find it funny! And kind of lame... But still funny and overall not a big deal. The new Meg '09 is so chill. Like, nothing's that big of a deal to new Meg '09. I let things roll off my new back and take things in stride. Learn from my mistakes. Be myself. Blah blah blah. I am going to be confident, too. And independent. And hopefully almost phone free (I am being realistic when I say "almost"). AND I am going to be vegan-- More importantly I am actually going to EAT and not WORRY. And I am going to write and type and collage and zine and talk and walk and sit. But I am also going to not put so much pressure on myself, which means that if I don't follow through with one of these "goals", then that's okay.

Ever since Saturday afternoon, I have felt this surge of confidence and independence. And I think it's partially due to a dear No No friend of mine that helped me to "wake up" and see certain patterns and behaviors of mine that were somewhat detrimental to my mental well being. Mowing the grass helped to wake me up, too. Wait, what?!? How could mowing the front lawn possibly expand my mind, man?!? And there is no grass, just snow. What in the world have I been smoking?!? Dope.

i am not a rock, but i am

"You should be an island to yourself, a refuge to yourself, not dependent on any other but taking refuge in the truth and none other than the truth. And how do you become an island and a refuge to yourself?

In this way. You see and contemplate your body as composed of all the forces of the universe. Ardently and mindfully you steer your body-self by restraining your discontent with the world about you. In the same way, observe and contemplate your feelings and use that same ardent restraint and self-possession against enslavement by greed or desire. By seeing attachment to your body and feelings as blocking the truth, you dwell in self-possession and ardent liberation from those ties.

This is how you live as an island to yourself and a refuge to yourself. Whoever dwells in this contemplation, islanded by the truth and taking refuge in the truth--that one will come out of the darkness and into the light."

-Digha Nikaya