Well. I was, shall we say, slightly frantic in the previous post. We shall. We shall say that. Or I shall. And I did. I did shall. Shall we move on? New day, new post, Newsies was my favorite movie as a child and it was tied with A League of Their Own and Bill Pullman was an actor in both of those movies and so you would think that seeing or hearing about Mr. Bill Pullman now would bring back a flood of memories and a tsunami of nostalgia, but nope. Sorry, Bill. Except why am I apologizing to Bill Pullman? He won't read this, he doesn't care, it's not as if his entire existence rested on me feeling nostalgic at the sight of him. So I take back my apology and instead I say in a slightly frantic voice, "Screw you, Pullman! Screw you and your children and your children's children!" If he dies tomorrow, I am going to delete this post.
Where was I? Nowhere. And what a perfect place to be! You see, I am one who feels compelled to constantly move and change what I am doing and what I am seeing and where I am being. In other words, I can't be. I can't just be still or be nowhere. OR CAN I?! I can. I can! And I know this because I have been still, I have been (perfectly) nowhere for the past several days. Not by choice. Definitely not by choice. My body decided one morning, "That's it. I'm exhausted. You have put me through the wringer and I QUIT. Or at least I am taking a prolonged vacation." Then my body packed its bags and nearly slammed the door. Okay, wait. That makes it sound like I am now a ghost. I am not now a ghost, although hahaha sometimes I totally feel like a zombie robot ghost hahahahahaha lololololol 4ever. But I am not a ghost. I am just a physically worn out slightly frantic entirely adorable girl who was never and will never be in love with Bill Pullman. That is just who I am. And I am being forced to acknowledge and, hopefully, accept this. I am also aware that that is not all of who I am -- and I am curious who else I might be? Who is this person I'm with 24/7 and who I treat like garbage? Maybe she ain't so bad, maybe she ain't a pile of fish bones and some old banana peels. Maybe she's worth getting to know.
So get I must. I must get to know myself before I decide to destroy myself. I have a hunch the desire to destroy will vanish once I stop to listen and see, really see. My body may have gone away on vacation, but I am returning and unpacking.
It's good to be home.