Thursday, March 16, 2017


It's been a long time, doofuses. Doofusses. Doofis? Jesus, this is how I begin a new post? After months and months away? By calling my one or two readers a mean name? Doofus isn't mean, though. Doofus is playful! Playful isn't mean! Except for playful is usually mean, huh. Like, I'm pulling your pigtails and chasing you around the playground! PLAYFUL. (No, mean! I don't care if you have a crush on me, causing my scalp pain and making me feel like prey is NOT playful.)

Let me start over.

Hi! I'm back!

I can't tell you exactly why I took a several-month break from blogging -- and writing in general. Sure, I composed witty one-liners in 140 characters or less multiple times a day. And sure, I often sent my best friend some really clever texts. But writing writing (you know, something substantial, longer than a paragraph, not about how much I loathe the rotting pumpkin "president") ceased. Suddenly. Just one morning I woke up and went, "Nah." Nah to what? Nah to rambling on and on about nothing in particular? Yes, but those ramblings served some kind of purpose, if even just to myself. They were (and are) a release. They illuminated a path I did not know existed and sometimes even created one I didn't know I needed. My "ramblings" are a way to connect with myself and, I pray to buddha, a way to connect with others.

Okay, I feel cuckoo brains right now. I am struggling with finding words and forming sentences and figuring out what it is that's inside of me that wants to get out. I am simultaneously thinking too much and not enough. I am crippling myself with doubt. I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I

am going to stop stopping myself. Starting now. Okay! So here I am! Vulnerable and unsure and pretending to be A-OK with all of it! Fake it 'till you make it, doofuses. Lovely doofuses. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, inspiring doofuses. My favorite doofuses in the world, to be quite honest.
And I am nothing if not quite honest.

My plan today was to write. I was to spend hours upon hours diving deep into my psyche, extracting all kinds of hidden gems and, yes, pearls. So far I have rambled (which is fine! yes! fine!), shopped for socks online, parted my hair in the middle, applied red lipstick three times, chewed on four trays-worth of ice cubes, read about Buddhist nuns in Nepal, did a load of wash, made my bed, browsed through a couple of cookbooks, tidied up my email, walked around in circles in the living room, and changed my outfit twice despite being home alone with no one around to impress except for my never impressed inner critic. So. I guess plans change.

And they can keep changing, so maybe my original plan that became sidetracked by other plans can be sidetracked again and placed back on the intended track. You know, two sidetracks make a track. Wait, what? I've become sidetracked again. No, not sidetracked, just confused. Typical! And that's okay! Okay. OKAY. Time to delude myself into believing this post is worthy of publishing. I am not even going to include any fun pictures right now. I am just going to hit publish and pray that my doofuses will forgive me for... well, for a lot. For disappearing for months, for reappearing with a less-than-amazing post, for playfully referring to you as doofuses, for not saving any ice cubes for you. I am sorry. I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you a sno-cone and stop chasing you on the playground. But quit my ramblings? I can't and never will make that promise.

No comments: