reanimate

I am writing this during the time of the day when I feel like a zombie, so just a heads up. I realize I don't have to write right now or ever, but I am such a brainless zombie that I can't think of a single other thing to do. Read a book! No, not right now, I've been reading all day (which might explain my tired brain). Take a walk! I will, I will, relax. I just need to, well, relax for a minute or 37. Clean! Shop! Volunteer! Eat! Oh yeah, eat. Remember that? I do remember that and I did do that and I bet a big part of why I am tired is that I am constantly thinking about eating disorders and complications from eating disorders and recovery from eating disorders and possibly writing a memoir about my experience with eating disorders and I juuuust need a break. My thoughts want to be occupied by something, anything, else. Or better yet, let me get rid of all thoughts. Let me watch them float by like leaves on water, like white balloons freed from their string and blending in with the clouds. Let me let go and discover the vastness below.

So. Happy Monday.

And it is a happy Monday! Or just a regular Monday. Nothing entirely new, nothing entirely old, nothing entirely anything. Everything seems to be a mix of this and that and that's the way I think I like it. It's nice to not live in a black and white world. It's nice to open up the door and see color.

I just looked down at my hand and saw red marks all over. I had about 15 seconds of confusion and panic (often the same thing) where I thought I had developed a mysterious rash and now it was spreading and now I was dying and now I was really turning into the zombie I jokingly claimed to be earlier in this post. And then I remembered I had put on red lipstick a few hours ago and had since mindlessly wiped my mouth. I bet the red streaks are not only on my hand, but on my face. And whatever.

I might still be living in a black and white world. A self-imposed black and white world. I write of walks and skies and openness, but sometimes I think I live through my words rather than let the words sink in and spark some sort of action. In other words, there are other words I could use to describe how I actually live day-to-day, but I don't use them. I use what appeals to me, what I aspire to be, what I currently am not.

AM I MAKING SENSE?! I momentarily thought my brain had returned, but now I think it is still out to lunch. Lunch. Ah. Lunch. I had a peach today, it was so ripe. It was on the brink of being overripe, of becoming a rotten mess, but I saved it. I saved it by savoring it, by devouring it, by making it disappear like the magician that I am.