mole

Hey! Guess which restless neurotic foggy blogger is actually sitting down right now! And in a fairly okay mood! And running off of the fuel that food has given to her as opposed to fumes and caffeine? THIS foggy neurotic! Give me a medal! Give me a sucker! Give me a pat on the bag and a bucket of ice to chew and a gallon of hot tea to drink and a yurt. Please give me a yurt. My restless neurotic foggy blogging soul yearns for a yurt; always has, always will.

Yesterday I was a MONSTER. I don't know what in the world brought out my worst side aside from, sure, lack of sleep (but that's nothing new!!!) and Mercury. Yes, Mercury. Mercury in retrograde to be exact. I'm not exactly sure what any of that means, but I am 100% willing to place the blame on anything or anyone if it means protecting my precious ego and sense of self. Is "sense of self" synonymous with ego? Aren't the ego and the self the same thing? Why do I get hungry for frozen waffles anytime I type "ego"?

Today, thankfully, Mercury is going in the right direction and so am I. Well, I'm not necessarily going in any direction, but at least I'm not spiraling downward like I was a mere 24 hours ago. I believe a part of my not-horrifically-horrible mood today is due in part to the fact that I was BRAVE and went to the doctor's to get my blood checked. I also got a flu shot, which is almost as good as getting free frozen waffles. I was productive, I took care of errands, I did not stay holed up in my head all morning or afternoon. I will, however, stay super holed up in my brilliant head tonight because that's just what I like to do on Friday nights. That and defrost waffles.

The weather. The weather is also perfect. It's the right amount of rain and the right amount of chill and the right amount of fall. Bundle up a little, grab your stupid umbrella, and head out the door. Pretend you are in Portland walking to a local coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood. Pretend you are going there to sip your skinny chai tea latte with organic unsweetened cashew milk while you write character sketches in your Moleskine for that screenplay/masterpiece you've been working on since graduating with an English degree over six years ago. Pretend you are going to sell that screenplay and make your millions and make your mark on the world by being the first screenwriter to win both an Oscar and a National Book Award and a Nobel Peace Prize and the New York Marathon. Pretend you are glowing. Pretend you are the muse. Pretend you are invincible and visible and on the verge of levitating. You are it. You are what we've been waiting for. You are glad you grabbed your umbrella.

Now where was I? Oh right. I was and still am right here. I have to remind myself of this every 45 seconds or so. Hey! Meg! You! Are! Here! Got it, thanks. I made a note of it in my Moleskine. Maybe you should, too. Maybe we should hug, eat waffles, and worship Mercury together. Think about it and get back to me. <3

constant

Hi everyone! I've wanted to write for the past few days, but I stop before I even start because I hold myself to such impossible standards. Lower your standards, Meg! Lower your standards and up the iron in your diet. Lower the stress and up the, uh, fun? Yeah. Fun. Lower your eyes and up your chances of not slipping on a banana peel. I could continue with this lower/up thing all day, but I won't. I won't because I have some strawberries that need washing and nails that need filing and trees that need hugging. In other words, I'm too busy to entertain obsessions.

I am not sure I have anything new to say today. I suppose I always have something new to say -- we all do -- but it takes too much self-reflection and careful thought to come up with these new things. So that leaves me with... old things? Old things to talk about? Old isn't the right word. The more appropriate word would be constant. Constant things. They are the things (and people) (and places) (and probably poor ideas) that occupy most of the space in my wonderful, weary head. The constants are: food, my life's purpose, food, the eternal search for my origins, breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks/food, books, Buddhism, burritos and/or virtually anything edible.

See. Nothing new. I've written it all before. What a chore. A chore to read, a chore to write, I joke IT'S NOT A CHORE. It just rhymed. I'm not a fan of rhymes, though. I dunno. They just seem kinda cheesy and forced. Mmmm. Cheesy. Mmmm. Forced cheese. Mmmmaybe I should go eat.

Eating has been rewarding yet challenging lately, I must admit. That's to be expected, but that doesn't make it any easier. Still, I have to eat in order to think, and, funny enough, in order to survive. So I think I'll keep it up. I have to learn how to stop fixating on food, though. The interest in and excitement for food and cooking is very welcomed, but I also want to learn how to simply make and eat a meal and then move on to other things. I guess I need a job/hobby/spouse/family/dog/cat/crossword puzzle. I guess I just need to be open.

This isn't complete. I had more to say, more to write, more to reveal. But I am tired and I want to eat a salad and I want to publish this now so that later I will feel like I accomplished something today. Okay! Okay.

adjust

Guess which neurotic blogger just sat outside for a few golden minutes? If you guessed this neurotic blogger, you'd be mostly right except I don't consider myself a blogger. And I'm probably not as neurotic as I think. Or am I?!?! I don't know! I feel so unstable, unbalanced, maladjusted! Okay, kidding. For the most part. For the most part I feel fairly balanced these days, whatever "balanced" means. To me balanced means occasionally sitting outside instead of compulsively walking for hours. It means eating a burger for lunch instead of three trays of ice cubes. It means saying "okay sure fine I guess so" to a situation instead of a firm and unwavering "NO WAY NOT A CHANCE, BUD." It means learning to fill up the glass at least a little when it has been bone dry for decades. It means those things and probably more, which I'll have to discover on my own.

Today I have felt like a robot. I guess I have to feel like a robot in order to balance out the vibrant and totally alive version of me yesterday. I don't think I "have" to feel this way, though. I just do. And that's okay, so long as Robot Meg doesn't stay too long. I don't even want her to visit, necessarily. She can stop by and stand on the welcome mat for a few minutes, but that's it. I do not want any robots to feel too comfortable in whatever house this is that I occupy.

Ways to say goodbye to Robot Meg:
*Eat. I mean, come on. It's almost an instantaneous way to shoo any and all robots. You've tried it before and it worked marvelously. Keep trying it.
*Sleep. Copy/paste what I wrote about eating here.
*Stay hydrated. Go drink a glass of water. Now. Like, right now now. Not in-five-minutes now. Good job.
*Don't forget how vital it is for you to remain connected to and in awe of nature.
*In-person contact with persons, preferably persons you enjoy being around. Be around people. Occasionally. Hermits sometimes take on the shape of robots, FYI.

FYI, I gotta get back outside. My bones call for it. Thanks for listening.

oui

I believe burgers turn me manic. Or at least the hamburger I had today (!!!) seems to have had a strange and mostly welcome effect on my mood and body. I guess that's what food does. Food kinda, you know, gives us fuel. Who knew? Apparently I didn't for 15+ years. Has it been 15 years since I first failed to remember the purpose of food? Longer? I am going to go ahead and say longer. I'm older than I realize. There have been a lot of realizations happening in my life lately, no? Yes.

Yes. Yes is a word and an action I will start saying and doing more of now. Mostly because I need to balance out all of the nos I've allowed to pile up in my life. (I guess if there's clutter, I should discard instead of balance... But maybe the yeses are housekeepers of my life? Imagine whatever I am writing right now makes sense. You'll be doing both of us a favor.)

I will say YES to the following:

*Food. Just any and all food right now. I cannot place restrictions or limits on my food choices right now until I have developed a healthy relationship to food. I have to put a stop to the food police -- in fact, it would be best if I just shut down the entire food police department. Can one seemingly quiet girl take down an entire institution? Yes. Just watch me.

*Travel. I didn't quite grasp how much of a grasp my eating disorder had on me and virtually every decision in my life I made until very recently. Bummer. It has prevented me from taking chances, from being spontaneous, from going and seeing and doing and, well, living. I ask myself what I would do if I didn't have an ED and one of the first things I think of is travel. Travel to places that might not have a Planet Fitness, places that might have rich, decadent dishes, places that might (and should) shake up my schedule and throw me headfirst into new situations. So yes, buy me that train ticket and get me outta town and outta this suffocating comfort zone.

*Relationships. Now let me be clear that I'm not talking exclusively of romantic relationships. In fact, at this point I'd rather develop strong, solid friendships before I jump into that blackhole world of dating. No longer will I isolate myself in a rigid world of pointless rituals and harmful habits. Humans need interaction with other humans in order to, well, survive. And I'm totally all about surviving these days.

OKAY! MUST GO OUTSIDE! I end every post in a panic about getting outside. I realize this. I will also not apologize for this.

<3

rob

I am distracted by the clouds. Of course I am. I always am. If anyone ever wants to rob me, just show up with some clouds and I'll be totally unaware of you rifling through my drawers, searching for my pearls. Well, guess what, bozo? I don't own any pearls! That's right! Despite the title of this struggling blog, I am not the owner of any fog or of any pearls or of anything of value except for my dignity. I still have my dignity while you are nothing but a lying thief. Thanks for the clouds, though! They are a perfect distraction for my spotless mind.

As I wasn't saying, the clouds are bringing the rain. (The first book I ever read on my own was Bringing the Rain to Kapiti Plain. Reading it was nothing short of a transformative, magical experience. The world -- or maybe another world -- opened up.) It's going to rain any second, I just know it. I don't know it, I suppose, but I feel it. And my feelings are usually just as good as knowledge. I gotta remember that. I always forget my intuition is nearly infallible.

Weather always has a strange effect on my mood. Sometimes on my joints, but mostly on my mood. A lot of people claim this, right? Is it true or just a convenient way to place blame on bizarre behavior and scattered thoughts? Who knows. Someone knows. Maybe that someone is the wind and the answer blew past me. I failed to notice because I was too busy looking down at photos of clouds on my phone. Make a note to be more present, more aware, more disconnected in order to be more connected next time. Noted.

I am headed outside. Of course I am. I am always headed outside. If anyone ever wants to rob me, just show up with the door open wide and I'll totally flee, leaving you to see the pearls that are not there while the fog creeps in to play with your hair.

reanimate

I am writing this during the time of the day when I feel like a zombie, so just a heads up. I realize I don't have to write right now or ever, but I am such a brainless zombie that I can't think of a single other thing to do. Read a book! No, not right now, I've been reading all day (which might explain my tired brain). Take a walk! I will, I will, relax. I just need to, well, relax for a minute or 37. Clean! Shop! Volunteer! Eat! Oh yeah, eat. Remember that? I do remember that and I did do that and I bet a big part of why I am tired is that I am constantly thinking about eating disorders and complications from eating disorders and recovery from eating disorders and possibly writing a memoir about my experience with eating disorders and I juuuust need a break. My thoughts want to be occupied by something, anything, else. Or better yet, let me get rid of all thoughts. Let me watch them float by like leaves on water, like white balloons freed from their string and blending in with the clouds. Let me let go and discover the vastness below.

So. Happy Monday.

And it is a happy Monday! Or just a regular Monday. Nothing entirely new, nothing entirely old, nothing entirely anything. Everything seems to be a mix of this and that and that's the way I think I like it. It's nice to not live in a black and white world. It's nice to open up the door and see color.

I just looked down at my hand and saw red marks all over. I had about 15 seconds of confusion and panic (often the same thing) where I thought I had developed a mysterious rash and now it was spreading and now I was dying and now I was really turning into the zombie I jokingly claimed to be earlier in this post. And then I remembered I had put on red lipstick a few hours ago and had since mindlessly wiped my mouth. I bet the red streaks are not only on my hand, but on my face. And whatever.

I might still be living in a black and white world. A self-imposed black and white world. I write of walks and skies and openness, but sometimes I think I live through my words rather than let the words sink in and spark some sort of action. In other words, there are other words I could use to describe how I actually live day-to-day, but I don't use them. I use what appeals to me, what I aspire to be, what I currently am not.

AM I MAKING SENSE?! I momentarily thought my brain had returned, but now I think it is still out to lunch. Lunch. Ah. Lunch. I had a peach today, it was so ripe. It was on the brink of being overripe, of becoming a rotten mess, but I saved it. I saved it by savoring it, by devouring it, by making it disappear like the magician that I am.

a-moose-ing

Well well well, guess what the cat dragged in? Or rather, who the cat dragged in. Answer: Me. The cat dragged me in. And who is this cat? This cat is also me. I dragged myself in. In from where? I am not sure. Why are you asking so many questions? I don't know, maybe because I don't quite comprehend what you are trying to say. What I'm trying to say is that I have been gone from this blog for awhile and now I am back. That's all. That's all I was trying to say, that's all I'm ever trying to say. I try, I fail.

Hi! I'm back! Where did I go? (I promise to stop asking myself questions, maybe. I maybe promise. I can't promise.) I was back in Jackson for another week, but this time to vacay, not to daub the shit out of an old cabin for 16+ hours. I'll probably save all of my thoughts and feelings about the trip for my dear diary, a diary which I do not keep but should. I should keep and do and say a lot of things that I don't. Don't we all? Yes.

To sum up the week, it was good. There were rough patches, which is to be expected on any vacation, but overall it was seven days of purrrrfect weather, satisfying hikes, one hundred thousand moose, wandering conversations about philosophy and aliens and wormholes and ghosts. It was also a week of challenging and rewarding meals. The meals actually meant a lot to me, more than I'm willing to admit to some people (but I am totally willing to admit it to THE WORLD! Here on the WORLD WIDE WEB!!!). I ate a burger. A big one. One that came with a knife stabbed into the center. I ate a sandwich. A very big one. One that came with one hundred thousand pounds of turkey and avocado and a day of diarrhea. But it was so worth it. I almost had a bagel and was way pumped up about it, but plans fell through. That's okay, though. Plans fall, bagels bail, I survive. And I want to keep surviving. And thriving. And this means I gotta keep on eating meals like I did on my unintentionally moose-themed trip to the Big Tits. You know what, this is mission I can accomplish -- especially if it comes with extra guacamole.

I have been back for less than 24 hours and I am still adjusting. The transition from vacation mode to regular everyday same old same old mode is always a bit rough. So to help ease these transition, I am going to go outside and search for some moose. Orem has free roaming moose, right? I guess I'll find out.