For the love of all that's holy it feels as good as sin to sit down. "As good as sin" -- that's a phrase, yeah? No? Yeah. Pretty sure. I'm pretty sure sitting down was something I should have done two hours ago, but instead I walked and walked and walked and walked compulsively. Walking is good. Compulsively walking might be a problem. I try to walk my anxiety away and it usually works, although it takes a long time and causes my heels to ache at the end of the night when I finally "allow" myself to relax. It would be better if I learned to face my anxiety and approach it with gentleness, curiosity... I know this in retrospect, but in the moment? In the moment anxiety's voice drowns out any promptings from my rational voice.
I wrote the above paragraph yesterday and then immediately abandoned this post to, I dunno, walk? Or maybe take a shower? Make my bed? Fold the clothes? I left to fulfill one of the many daily tasks I assign myself, tasks which keep me anchored to some kind of reality, tasks which give me some kind of future satisfaction when I am able to take that pen make a check mark. Except I don't make check marks. I draw a line though the item. I cross it off, if you will. And sometimes I don't even do that because sometimes I make my lists on my phone, so I just delete delete delete as if it never existed. It did exist, however, and it momentarily gave me purpose.
Hey! Wake up! I know this post so far has been a real sleeping pill, but that's about to change! Yes, my friends, I am about to whisk you away into a fantasy land of romance and adventure and triumph over evil. And this fantasy land is known as MY LIFE minus the romance and triumph part. But the adventure part? Oh, I've got that. For example, this week I have gone to the post office AND the bank and did not have a panic attack at either location. Both were adventures and, upon further consideration, both were triumphs over evil. Still no romance in Meg Land, however, and that's kinda the way I like it. Kinda. I'll admit to having brief desires for a significant other. Mostly I want a partner who will rub my scalp, feet, calves, and butt after a long day. Then they can go their way and I can go mine. Basically I just want a personal masseuse.
I feel straaaange. I think it's because it's that time of day when everything is strange and sleepy, that time being mid-afternoon. I also think it's because I was outside in the sun for almost an hour and the sun does weird things to the brain, I never get the recommended hours of sleep, I am most likely always dehydrated, and I am a Gemini. Geminis always feel strange.
I am also hungry. HUNGRY FOR LOVE. Love = tacos.