net

This heat, man! Sheesh. Okay, I won't discuss the weather, although I do discuss it often. I discuss the weather and politics. I will choose talk radio over music any day. I get excited when an Eddie Bauer catalog comes in the mail. I appreciate sensible shoes. I am a bonafide adult.

But I won't discuss the weather or any of those others things right now. Instead I will dive a little deeper and open up a little wider. Then again, maybe I won't. Maybe I've already chickened out and shied away from vulnerability. I tend to do this. I tend to not want to rock the, boat, to worry others, to set myself up for possible rejection. But by closing myself off, I close myself off to all of the good shit life is ready to give. The good shit = relationships, success, peace of mind.

All defense mechanisms are safety nets. The problem with safety nets are that they prevent one from learning how to land on one's feet. If you never learn, what happens when some trickster (i.e. sudden, unavoidable life events) cuts holes in the net? Wouldn't it be better to be prepared -- or to not even have the net in the first place?

The past few years have been... hard. Hard because I am finally feeling the effects of ageing, of not being in my invincible and unstoppable 20s anymore. I feel left behind, not-quite-there, a late bloomer. A very late bloomer. People my age or slightly younger have careers and families and homes and so much more shit figured out than I do. Or so it seems. Maybe they don't have shit figured out, but they have their shit together. Or so it seems. There is a lot of seeming going on here. Point is, I feel stunted, stuck, unable to progress on any of life's paths. I could label this as depression, fear, refusal, or a toxic combination of all three. I don't know. I do know, however, that something needs to change soon.

Where to begin? This is the question that overwhelms me, thus preventing me from building up the motivation to move forward. I avoid the question because I am so impatient with myself and want an immediate answer, a surefire plan, detailed steps on what to do and how to do it. But I have to realize the answer will only come from me, not from any outside source. So I guess I just stumbled upon my answer: I begin with trusting myself.

I think it's time for a long walk. I may not know exactly how to land on my feet quite yet, but I do know how to walk. Thank god for that.