Thursday, November 12, 2015


I am going to tell you some things you may not know. Because that's why you've come here, yes? To learn. To expand your mind. To see the seeds of knowledge sprout and grow. Reap what you sow. Just "sow" you know, I am not going to be telling you anything you didn't already know. All of life's wisdom is already within you. You are god. You are GOD. You are also a lucky bastard/bitch/bitchy bastard if you have showered today, which brings me to my first nugget of knowledge...

Did you know that having running water is a luxury? I didn't know this until about 20 minutes ago when one of those camo men from a few posts back informed a very-sweaty-from-the-gym me that my water has been shut off. Should be on in half in hour! he said, confidently. Well, sir, you may be confident about the water being turned back on, but I'm sure not. I've been fooled in the past! I've had my fair share of disappoints when it comes to showers and sinks. May this whole house go to hell -- after I move out, of course.

Second whisper of wisdom: Cats are magickal and you know it and stop denying it. And yes, "magickal" with a k. Dumb superstitions started by a bunch of losers have stuck around and have made it so black cats are the least adopted at shelters. It's a shame. Like I said, cats are magickal, especially black ones. Back in the day, black cats actually used to be a sign of good luck. Imagine that? I wonder if male black cats can hold the priesthood. More like PURR-iesthood. Anyway, I have this black sweater next to my bed that I like to pretend is a cat at night. I'm lonely, okay?

Third, and final (FOR NOW), trinket of truth: Brown lipstick looks real good on me. REAL good. Gives me a bit of attitude/cattitude as well. I don't know why, but it does. This is the most important truth that I could ever tell you, to be honest. Honesty is my top priority after finding some way to take a shower with no water. So far I've only come up with wiping my body down with Handiwipes and dousing myself with perfume. Maybe I can rub some dryer sheets under my pits. I'm a monster.

PURR-iesthood. Yeah, that was genius.

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