settle/solitude

Any other late bloomers out there or am I the only one?

I'm probably not the only one; still, it feels lonely over here.

I can say with quite some confidence that I am very unconfident in who I love. I am just beginning to uncover and discover pieces and shades of me that I wasn't aware were there. I do not know how to view this particular period in my life. Is it exciting? Terrifying? Super damn confusing? Beautiful? Maybe it can be all of those things.

But there are moments of panic followed by long stretches of despair. "Real life" sinks in and I wonder if I will always be alone. I am not the easiest person to get close to, I understand. I purposely push people away, people that I can see myself desperately loving. It could be the classic "I push you away so I don't have to get hurt later on" thing, but more so I wonder if I am just a loner. Like, an actual loner - someone who simply functions better alone and finds ultimate peace in solitude.

That being said, I am getting older (no shit) (even though I still get mistaken for a high school student cooooool). I feel kinda "past my prime." Really, folks, it's all downhill from here, at least in the beauty department. I also don't feel like putting in any effort to leave my house... But at the same time, I think I really do want to leave my house! And maybe just find a nice person with whom I can settle down! But I'm not ready to settle! But lord oh lord I don't wanna die alone. That's what we're all trying to say, but can't because we dance around the subject of death. As a lazy Buddhist, however, I am trying to remain open and confront all aspects of life, which include death. I also avoid it, though. I avoid a lot.

Stuck.

I can't force what won't budge. OR CAN I?! Tell me what to do, please. Tell me if I should hunker down and get hitched and have some kids and call it a life. Or tell me to leave and never look back. The extremes: it's all I've ever known.