fury/fall/freakout

You'd think I'd be familiar with, you know, technology-n-computers by now, especially since I grew up during the birth of the Internet (exiting the womb! in such a fine, bloody fury! hello, world! plug me in! sign up! log in log off dial up bzzzz!), but I still find myself absolutely clueless and freaked out when little changes occur on sites I frequently use - LIKE BLOGGER. This post pagey thingy is different and I feel like it is messing with my writing style and I don't even have the motivation TO write when I am so confused. I am not confused. I am just on drugs. And that drug is caaaaaffffffeeeeeeiiiiiinnnnneeeee! And Percocet. Kidding about the Percocet, unfortunately, because I obviously need one right this very moment. The heart usually beats INSIDE of the chest, right? You may correct me if I am wrong. I may be wrong. I am often wrong. Wrong or right? Is it wrong to write? Is it right to be wrong about being a writer? Maybe fake it 'till I make it?

Speaking of "faking it 'till I make it," maybe I'll just go crazy and start writing a screenplay/novel. Or both! I let fear stop me. Nothing else stops me from writing except for myself. I never feel emotionally prepared to go down that rabbit hole of writing - and I'm not talking about blog writing or tweeting or other forms of writing I do fairly frequently. I'm talking about the "serious" kinds of writing that I want to do, such as writing poetry or short stories or plays. Let me be completely immodest and annoying right now and say that I know I can write something absolutely amazing, but I don't want to. That is so much pressure. I crumble under pressure...

...but sometimes I thrive. Sometimes pressure gives me a pinpoint focus that in "normal life" I never have. Pressure forces me to get rid of the ground underneath my feet, ground that is usually unnoticed quicksand. When I'm falling down I am at least focused on the falling (aka the present moment). So maybe I just need to fall. But please let me fall with a pen in hand.