buzz

My miiuiind - excuse me, my typing fingers got carried away and went psycho on me for just a brief second - my MIND is buzz buzz buzz and "buzz" reminds me of that dead companion insect I had for about 16 hours last week (or was it two weeks ago?) and week reminds me of weak which reminds me of how the arthritis medication I took for my tendinitis made me feel which makes me think of Phil and all of the many Phils I have known in my life (2) which makes me think of Life cereal and how fuuuu**ing good it is but how I would rather eat a cereal called Mesa Sunrise instead which makes me think of how I prefer the sunrise over the sunset maybe 7 out of 10 times which makes me think of time and how time doesn't exist which makes me think of existing in the desert with no water which makes me think of a book by Craig Childs called The Secret Knowledge of Water. "There are two easy ways to die in the desert: thirst and drowning." Oh shit.

ordinary moments

There is a lot I want to write right now and a lot I don't want to write right now. Oh boy. I just reminded myself of that line from Best in Show when the busty character Sherri Ann Cabot says, "We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about." Quotes, man.

What happens when the masks come off and people reveal their true identity? It was a wolf this whole time! A wolf in sheep's clothing. But this wolf is also sometimes truly a sheep. I'm a wolf sometime, right? We can all be wolves sometimes and we can all sometimes wear wolf t-shirts. I can't even begin to know how to approach this subject, so maybe I won't right now. That last sentence reminded me of yet another movie quote, but this time the quote comes from a little film I (and everyone else) like to call The Royal Tenenbaums. Raleigh asks my soul sister Margot, "Have you met someone else?" And dearheart Margot replies, "I couldn't even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question." Quotes, woman.

i love you, joan

“To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” -Joan Didion

hormones and the multiverse

*One of my joys in life is to sit one-on-one with another human (or non-human, too, I suppose) and talk. In a group I get distant, bored, distracted. With just one other person, I am present, intrigued, focused. I'd like to think I am a good listener, too, but it's something I can always improve.

*Remember Home Improvement? Remember how I had dozens of Teen Beat posters of Jonathan Taylor Thomas up on my wall? Remember how having crushes when you were in junior high was so fun because of your raging hormones? Sometimes I miss those raging hormones; sometimes living in a fantasy world is incredibly satisfying, but obviously not for long. To quote some bad bumper sticker somewhere, "Reality is a bitch!" But reality can also be our best friend. And ultimately reality is just reality.

*I'll admit it; I am proud of my #multiverse tweets. Oh god, did I just admit that? Am I really caught up in the Twitter Universe? Yes, but somewhere in another universe, I am totally not seduced by such a world. #multiverse

*You can call this a life goal if you must, but a life goal of mine is to live in Southern Utah and/or New Mexico. I could explain why, but if you have ever been to either of these places, read Edward Abbey, seen a Georgia O'Keeffe painting, and are similar to me in any way, you will understand.

More later. Time for me to browse Amazon and REI online. Thanks, coffee!

current; always

"It was like the classic scene in the movies where one lover is on the train and one is on the platform and the train starts to pull away, and the lover on the platform begins to trot along and then jog and then sprint and then gives up altogether as the train speeds irrevocably off. Except in this case I was all the parts: I was the lover on the platform, I was the lover on the train. And I was also the train."
— Lorrie Moore (A Gate at the Stairs)

better run better run

I think I am addicted.

Last night I was anxious over ________ and caffeinated and incredibly full (which, unfortunately, but honestly, equals guilt in my warped mind), so I went running. I went running for an hour, which isn't an incredibly long time for me, but it is definitely an incredibly long time for someone (aka ME) with a sore (aka VERY SORE) foot. Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb dumb. Today I can hardly walk without wincing in pain. I refuse to let my body breakdown, yet I'm the one causing it to breakdown. Oh, all you people with your healthy feet - how I envy thee.

I miss running without pain. What's the solution? Just stay off of my feet for awhile? But I have no patience these days. I am so antsy pantsy because of ________ and ____________ and ______________________. Yes. Yes, I am addicted to running and endorphins and maybe even a little bit of self-inflicted pain. Maybe there are bigger things to worry about and cooler addictions to have. Right?

333

This is the 333rd post on this little blog of mine. I should make it something spectacular. I should make everything spectacular, but I end up making everything ordinary, which in and of itself is spectacular. The ordinary is extraordinary and so forth. So, let's go forth with this post.

Alone. I know how to be alone. I like being alone. I prefer to be alone. But I also like having the constant reassurance that I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. Call it selfish - because it is. I keep people in my back pocket, so to speak, and convince myself that they will always be there in a moment's notice when being alone gets a little too lonely. Well, lately I have noticed that this system of mine is imperfect. People have their own lives, too, you know. They aren't frozen in time just waiting for me to press a button telling them to come alive and validate me. They have their own messes. They have their own places to be, they have their own places to leave. They have their own longings and fears and phobias and desires. They don't owe me a thing; they don't owe me their undivided love and attention.

But that's still what I crave - love and attention. It is cliche, almost, to say such a thing. It is so obvious. We all crave these things, right? We all want to be reminded, over and over and over again, that we exist, that we are permanent, that we will never go away. We don't want others to go away, either. Stay! I beg silently. Stay. They never will; we never will. And that's the way it's always been (the only thing that is permanent is impermanence, after all) and that's the way it should be. 333.