eight cold hard facts

I keep trying to get lost in a maze of my own words, so for this post I am just going to tell you some Meg Facts. Just gonna lay it all out there! This ain't no maze, darling. This is a disco. A disco of boring facts.

*When I was young I wanted to live in a trailer park with all of my friends and relatives. We'd each have our own trailer, but we'd get together each evening to have a large barbecue and play kick the can. We might even ride our bikes around the park, wearing funny hats made out of the pages from the morning's newspaper.

*I bite the inside of my mouth raw. Last week when I was driving on the freeway in a SNOW STORM, I was biting my cheeks so hard that they are still sore. I did not even realize I was doing it! My mouth is a disaster.

*When I do not know how to pronounce words, I almost want to cry out of embarrassment.

*I always always always wanted poofy bangs growing up, but my desire was never fulfilled. I did, however, have those thick megabangs that start from the middle of the head. And on the first day of 5th grade I thought it would be a great idea to have NO bangs, so I used almost an entire bottle of gel to slick back my hair. I went to school looking like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, but a John Travolta in a CAT t-shirt, so it somehow all worked out. Cat shirts fix everything.

*I can't stand lined paper. Okay, I can stand it. I just don't prefer it. Huh. Well, that was boring.

*Pink has always been my least favorite color. Green has always been my most favorite color. Some shade of orange is right there in the middle.

Two more facts. Okay. I can do this.

*I said "two more facts" because I wanted to end this post with EIGHT facts. Why eight? Because I might be slightly superstitious/obsessive/autistic. Eight in my mind is GOOD. Everyone in a group of eight people has a partner. And there can be teams! Four against four. Two against two (or one against one) is too much pressure. There is security and comfort and a bit of cushioning in eight. Eight is great!

*I've never really liked donuts, but I LOVE ice cream cake.

name

I went from wanting to see my name in lights to wanting to see it tucked away in a shelf.

I am always searching for a home. Maybe it's my curiosity that guarantees I'll never have a home.

For now, though, I am home. And home to me means a lady that is always excited to see me, clean towels, and enough space to hear the nameless birds.

Lights may never spell out my name and shelves may never house my name, but I hope they do. Oh, I do so hope they do.

these are the best, right?

So you may know that I am addicted to two things: Tumblr and PCP. Kidding, I am not addicted to PCP (yet), but I am hooked on Tumblr. I found this dumb/cool/pointless/full-of-points survey on that little tiny stupid site and was, like, "COPY/PASTE!" So now I am going to pretend like I am 14 and fill this out and believe that you are so excited to read this because who doesn't want to know about the last time I was hugged by someone of the opposite sex? This is worth reading. Ignore world news. Read this.

1. selfie



2. what would you name your future kids?
They will all be girls (cuz who wants to deal with penises) and they will all be named after my favorite characters in hip movies that will surely annoy some people who hate hipster and who the effity eff cares. Anyway, the names are: Clementine, Charlotte, and Margot. I also like Dorothy because she can be called "Dottie" for short.

3. do you miss anyone?
Everyone! Good lord who art in heaven, I miss every single person I've ever encountered. No, really. Also, I miss a few boys. YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THEM. The thing is, I miss them in my warped mind, but then when I see them in person I'm, like, "Ohhhh... I remember why we didn't work out." That's harsh.

4. what are you looking forward to?
I am looking forward to sloooowing down and getting healthy (whatever that means). I am also looking forward to going to Disneyland (this may take some work). I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, truthfully. I am looking forward to when I will marry a super handsome black preacher and/or Tilda Swinton and have 3-4 girls with super hipster movie names. I am looking forward to when I can adopt a dog.


5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?
YOUR MOM. And also my mom. And also people like Louis CK and Sarah Silverman and the writers at The Onion and Laura.

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depends on the person, yo. It also depends on how many defense mechanisms I'm putting up.

7. what was your life like last year?
Confusing. I believe I was unemployed (strange how history repeats itself) and wandering and wondering. I may have been on the verge of a total meltdown, but when am I not? I was drinking a lot of coffee at Harmons and writing and reading and wearing beanies. That's about it.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?
At this question? Yes.

9. who did you last see in person?
My mother! And right before that I saw every single obnoxious person at Smith's. Okay okay okay, so they aren't obnoxious. So they are all Buddhas and whatnot. But who says Buddha isn't obnoxious (aside from Buddha)? See.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?
You bet your fucking sweet motherfucking ass I am.

11. are you listening to music right now?
No. Should I? I should, huh. Uggggghhhhhh, just tell me what to do.

12. what is something you want right now?
I want someone to tell me what to do. I also want to be inspired, but currently my brain is fried and I think it might stay that way.

13. how do you feel right now?
Dull and restless, but that's just RIGHT now. Earlier I was so so so so great! So happy and hopeful and productive! See, that's the thing with everything ever: It's fluid. Don't worry. Don't grasp. Just go.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?
This! THIS is the question you've all been waiting for!!!!!!!!! And I'm going to make you wait for it........ NO MORE!!! I guess the last person I side-hugged (because I rarely, for some reason, give a full body hug) was my papa this morning. The last person of the opposite sex that I awkwardly side-hugged who is not related to me was Michael at Juice 'n Java and then before him was Whit at Village Inn and then before him I had never come in contact with another human in my life. True story.

15. personality description
WELLLLLL, let's see hmmm okay well I like to have fun and I like fun things and I like to have fun with fun things and fun people in fun places. Also, I am the poster child for introvertism. It's a word. I have also perfected the art of avoidance. Some people find introverts who avoid everything and everyone fun, okay?!

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?
These questions are frying my already fried brain, which I didn't think was possible, but totally is.

17. opinion on insecurities.
I'm too insecure to tell you my opinion.

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?
No way, Jose.

19. have you ever been to New York?
No way, Jose. This answer would have been a "Yes way, Jose" if I had never gotten a tattoo in Austin on Halloween. Tattoos apparently equal NO NYC NEWSPAPER TRIP FOR YOU, LADY. Oh! I'm a lady wink wink.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?
Oh, so you're British? That's fun. My favorite (ahem -- favourite) song (ahem -- soung) at the moment is probably "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by The Band solely because it is 3:33 long and I am spiritually connected to the number "333."

21. age and birthday?
Forever 21 and I was born on the night when the lights went out in Georgia. Trust me on this one.

22. description of crush.
I can't give you a description because by the time I finish this sentence I will have discarded that crush and will have found a new one. He/she has probably been married before, though. I tend to get lured into that trap.

23. fear(s)
Just my li'l old self. I have also come to hate balloons.

24. height
5'6" and not a foot too soon. Wait. 5'6" closer to god. Wait. I'm 5'6". That's it. Nothing to it except DNA and diet.

25. role model
I'm sad that I'm just sitting here trying to think of one role model. Family members, duh, but aside from them... Sigh. I'll get back to you.

And I will also get back to you with the answers to 35 more questions. THIRTY-FIVE. Gross.

path

Maybe I rush into things because I know that they will be over soon. I want to experience everything I can before everything disappears. Maybe I am just continuously ripping off the band-aid, so to speak. Let's get this over with.

There is an underlying discomfort I've felt for most of my life. I can't place it. I physically feel uncomfortable in my clothing. I feel like I am being strangled and suffocated. And my hair has never felt like an accurate reflection of who I am. What would an "accurate reflection" even be? A mohawk? Dreads? An out-of-control fuzz ball? Perhaps I place too much importance on outward appearance. Huh. THAT'S a thought.

People project instead of connect. I know I do. I can't wait to get over myself so I can start to get into someone else. I've decided that I will always be a dead end (in the best possible way), so I might as well discover other paths. You might be my path; I might walk all over you.

We imprison ourselves. It's time we introduce ourselves to the key.

space

The clarity I've needed is slowly starting to return. It feels incredible. The silence is what I have been missing. And the open spaces. Yes, Orem is "open spaces" to me. Of course, a fire lookout in the Washington woods would be terribly wonderful at fulfilling my open spaces need, but for now this is heaven. Or at least a huge effing sigh of relief. Heaven is a sigh.

I am happy.

shell

I live deficient when I should be living defiant. Instead of being definite, I am stuck in denial. Are you admiring my alliteration yet? Would it help if I sold seashells by the seashore?

And now I want to talk about drought. I want to write a screenplay for a new wave flick dealing with drought and cigarettes. I want to extrapolate your bones. No, wait. Wrong word. I want to excavate your bones. Maybe later I can extend the application of this method, but for now I want to systematically find you. The bones being bare share with me what you kept protected lest I find out you were a fraud. I was a fraud, too. A fake at best. We can't do anything about this anymore, honey, except polish our masks and caskets.

And we can hold the seashell we sold at the seashore up to our ears and hear whatever we failed to hear when we were swimming. And now we sink. And now we grasp onto our breath like it's the world's most prized possession. I want to encapsulate you. I want to find some way for you to insulate me from the inside out.

We are nothing but shells.

bridge

We build bridges out of doubt. We build bridges because we don't believe for a second we can walk on water. We aren't going to save one another, but we can connect.

I have to delicately distribute this tension or else I will collapse. I have to move from one place to another without looking down. It's too easy for me to be tempted to jump. The suspended self is stuck in eternity. The water is a hell that cleanses. I can get swept away unless I look ahead.

Moving breaks my heart. I want everything to stand still. But it has to sway, it has to sway or else it will break.