plain

She loves him the way plains love to confuse travelers from the west. Mountain ranges provide direction, a place of origin, protection. The plains displace, disorient, blow right through bare bones. People get lost in open spaces, but people also lose their way in the canyons and dense forests of mountains. To get lost means one has the potential to be found. To find something increases the risk of losing something. And so she continues to love him while simultaneously searching for what isn't there, the map of her life thrown out the window countless miles back.

quiet

the sun is just a star, a fine-tuned eye destined to burn out, leaving us with empty pockets. we think we dominate the cosmic scene. forgetting our origins, we settle down.

journal entry from 7/13/11

Between 2pm and 4pm I don't blink as often as I do the rest of the hours I am awake (assuming I am awake between 2pm and 4pm, because sometimes, as luck/fate/habit would have it, I am asleep during that time). "Awake" and "asleep" -- a-why do they include an "A" at the beginning? It's as if we are hesitating -- as if we haven't quite decided yet to wake or to sleep. Alright. Again. Annihilate.

decay/life

There are many paths and lives and loves calling to me, reaching out to me, and in some cases strangling me with their beauty and potential. So where do I go? How do I accept the fact that not all paths can be taken, not all lives can be led, not all loves can last? I will have to learn to quiet certain options and to eventually let them fade away, evaporate. I grasp. Despite all of the Buddhist (and life) teachings I have heard and with which I agree, I still desperately grasp. I cling on to what I know will one day, sooner or later (usually sooner) disappear and no longer be. Or perhaps it continues to Be, just in a different form? Life leads to decay just as decay leads to life.

aaaaand now for some clarification

Okay, to clarify some things: In my last blog post, I was hurt. I said things that may have not been completely true. Maybe a part of me was trying to hurt someone else, to shift the blame, to make things more dramatic than they needed to be to... Get sympathy? Reassurance? Some kind of validation? A simple response? Basically, this person meant a lot to me and still does and I have nothing but love and respect for them. This person and I just found each other at an unfortunate time in our lives - when we have to be completely selfish and take care of our own issues before we can give ourselves to one another and have a healthy relationship. At least this is how I see it from over here. I could be completely wrong, though (it wouldn't be the first time).

words! on your screen! for you to read!

I don't know how to approach this situation that has been on my mind for some time now. I want to be tactful, I want to be vague, I don't want to complain too much, I don't want to be hurtful, I want to open up, I want to leave something to the imagination, I want to understand, I don't want to let this person get away with anything, I want to be compassionate, I want to be assertive. I want to express a lot of things that are almost too secret to express.

So I won't say a word.

I will leave everyone hanging until just the right time, until I decide what it is that I even want to decide.

Huh? I'm confusing myself, something I do quite well, something that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Here's the thing: This is probably the worst blog entry I have ever written. It's just a bunch of letters thrown together to make words to make something sound more important than it actually is/was. I wish we could have meant more to each other. It sounded nice.

this is perfect