aloof

No one wants me to begin this post with "Happy Caturday," but... Happy Caturday. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. Or rather, let's get down to busyness. No! Let's cut out busyness. <--- It's something I've been trying to do for a few months. A few years. Okay, 31 years. I fail exceedingly well at cutting out the busyness, but at least I get some credit for trying, right? Sure.

My "new thing" these days is keeping up with the news from multiple sources. I read, I watch, I discuss. I pay attention. I feel like most of my 20s was spent not paying attention to what was going on in the world. I was too busy paying attention to crushes and concerts and cute haircuts. Upon reflection, I am saddened by how much I missed. I missed out on movements, I missed out on playing a part, I missed out on history. Currently I do feel a little angry at my younger self, which I know won't help anything. I need to see the positives in my former apathy (was it apathy? or simply ignorance? both?) so that I can make peace with myself, learn, and move on. In the meantime, I'll be reading the pape, sir. With a cup of coffee and a heart full of outrage. Turns out the world is an amusement park, but all of the rides are broken and there are real zombies in the haunted house.

Since I'm on the subject of things-that-frustrate-me, I have been frustrated lately with certain folks close to me who... How do I vaguely put this... Who don't really keep their promises. It's also like they are auditioning to play the part of family member. They go through the motions. They feel like a semi-friendly colleague. They are too absorbed in their own distractions to have any kind of relationship with me that goes beyond surface level. I know it's not all about me. Sigh. I know that I don't know what goes on in someone else's life/mind/heart. I know that I probably expect too much out of certain people sometimes. But I also know that it's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be upset with someone's behavior. I am tired of endlessly giving out get-out-jail-free cards and excusing very hurtful words and lack of action. Shrug shoulders. Moving on.

Moving on. I'm moving on! Have I mentioned this yet? Oh, I have? Okay. Aside from physically moving on, I feel like there will be some huge emotional shifts happening as well. Maybe even social changes (which just means I might start being social again GASP). Am I ready for these things? Does it matter? It will happen whether I'm ready or not. "Ready or not, here I come!" Is that from the game hide-n-seek? I cannot remember. Is it from tag? No, definitely hide-n-seek. Yeah? What have I kept hidden from myself? Will I be brave enough to seek it out? And once I find it, what will I do with this fleshy pulp? I will have to claim it, I will have to shape it into what it needs to become. Trust trust trust. That's all I can do right now.

Okay! Caturday demands I eat a breakfast now. I will give in to this demand. I am nothing if not a slave to eggs.