authentic annihilation

I am doing better. Or at least I'm telling myself that -- and I think that's okay, for now. Fake it until I make it, right? (I was about to make an orgasm joke, but I won't for a few different reasons. So here's the thing: I am drinking coffee because I thought it would be a brilliant idea in terms of helping me to write. Sure, it helps me to write, but nothing insightful. Coffee = orgasm jokes. Not that orgasm jokes can't be insightful. In fact, they may be the most insightful non-joke joke out there. Anyway, don't mind me! I just write here!)

Okay. Starting over. Ahem. I am doing better. I feel more like "me" and less like the Meg that everyone wants me to be. I do not believe that I purposely put on a persona that in no way matches up with the genuine me, but I do try to please all. This give give give without any inward reflection and self-care eventually leads to complete annihilation of whatever relationship I had with person A (or B or C). Simply put, if I can't take care of myself, I will never be able to take care of you.

So I may have broken a heart last week, as you may have skimmed past in my previous post. Hearts are resilient, though, and they mend. Within a week's time? Perhaps. Going into almost no detail, I will just say that he and I are realizing that holy moly/shit, Buddha-was-correct-desire-and-attachment-DO-lead-to-suffering... And that maybe Berlin will have to wait. I don't want to sit around waiting for my own authentic life to begin, though. Where do I go from here? Well, wherever I want. The sky is alive above and below; all it takes is a dive.