Sunday, August 21, 2011

saturday diary entry xoxo

Why am I in a semi-chipper mood today? Is this "real" or am I artificially happy because I currently have a "new identity"? Sometimes I feel like I am walking a fine line between bliss and complete despair. Teetering. Then I pick up a new hobby, a new obsession, a new distraction - and suddenly I am in a good mood, suddenly I have a hopeful outlook. But it inevitably shatters, this glass facade I construct around myself, and I am left to pick up sharp pieces that will cut me and scar over, reminder of who and what I failed to be.

So who what where whey why how am I? How am I? Well, constantly evolving, that's how. Building and believing and destroying and abandoning and masking and revealing and hiding and finding. I am nothing if not ever-fluid, ever-fading - and it's time I stop seeing my indecision as a flaw. It's not a flaw - and it might not necessarily be a strength - but it's not a flaw.

It's Meg. It's a desire to never be too comfortable, too settled, too ordinary, too content, too accepting of what others (including my past and future selves) have prescribed and labeled as yes yes yes and truth and no way and false. Good, bad, dreams, and desires - they change. They morph and adapt and sometimes disappear. So whomever - and whatever - I am is eternally unfinished and grateful because of it.

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