joy

I'm still chewing on ice cubes, which makes me think I still have anemia, which is to be expected, but I am on the up-and-up. Did you enjoy my comma usage in that last sentence? You did? Why did you enjoy it? Frankly, that is a pretty bizarre thing in which to find enjoyment. What other super stupid things do you enjoy? Asking questions on blogs? Chewing on ice? Fog? Pearls?

I tend to have a rough time starting blog posts, don't I? MEGHAN. Stop asking questions! I mean, Meghan, dear sweet handsome amazing beautiful talented worthy-of-love Meghan, I feel as though you could stand to cut back on asking so many questions in your writing. The reader does not wish to be in the position of answerer of questions. Answerererer. Then again, do you really know what the reader wants? Do you even know what you want? Did you realize you just asked two more questions? Make that three. Three? Now it's four. Forget about it.

Hey, everyone! Third paragraph! And now I'll start being more direct. I am happier. Not just happy, but joyful. Happiness is fleeting and a lot of the time contingent on the superficial. Joy, on the other hand, is more of a steady undercurrent. It is a way of being that can still exist even when shit hits the fan. I am still struggling, but I feel this heavy, heavy fog starting to lift. Maybe that is hope? Maybe I hit a place so dark and lifeless that I was left with no other choice but to look back up at the sun. I mean, not directly into the sun because of the whole retinal damage thing. Anyway, I see brightness and I am beginning to thaw out. I feel brightness, in other words. I see, feel, taste, touch, and smell brightness. And it smells like patchouli oil. I am flying my freak flag, folks.

How do I continue on this much brighter path? Stay away from stimulants. Keep meditating, no matter how booooooring it gets. Yoga? I guess? Eating. Forgiveness. Therapy. Definitely therapy. And asking for help, knowing my limits, finding my voice. And did I mention avocados? Avocados will probably get me through a lot. Music, art, trees, sweetheart 5th graders who actually want to be around me, heart-to-hearts, service.

I can continue. And, for the first time in a long time, I want to continue.