The problem has always been purity.
It has contributed to my eating disorder, definitely. Being empty of food, whether through abstinence or purging, leaves a large place inside which feels clean because it is empty. An empty room can't be a cluttered room.
But why emptiness? What is the appeal?
Again, empty leads to pure and pure offers protection. The protection may be fictional, but there is protection in the belief of protection. Placebos are real, placebos work.
And fiction. Fiction will always seduce me.
Maybe the problem isn't purity. In fact, maybe purity can be my savior. Maybe the way I view purity is the "problem." I am beginning to think that purity is not a synonym for perfection. Purity can be full. Purity can contain clutter, just high quality clutter.
By letting go of my control to be pure in the narrow definition I've written for myself will be my doorway out of this empty room.
By handing over my low quality clutter to whomever I believe to be my higher power will introduce me to new rooms that contain no walls.
Or at least that's my belief.
It's a pill I'm willing -- perhaps even eager -- to swallow.