buzz

My miiuiind - excuse me, my typing fingers got carried away and went psycho on me for just a brief second - my MIND is buzz buzz buzz and "buzz" reminds me of that dead companion insect I had for about 16 hours last week (or was it two weeks ago?) and week reminds me of weak which reminds me of how the arthritis medication I took for my tendinitis made me feel which makes me think of Phil and all of the many Phils I have known in my life (2) which makes me think of Life cereal and how fuuuu**ing good it is but how I would rather eat a cereal called Mesa Sunrise instead which makes me think of how I prefer the sunrise over the sunset maybe 7 out of 10 times which makes me think of time and how time doesn't exist which makes me think of existing in the desert with no water which makes me think of a book by Craig Childs called The Secret Knowledge of Water. "There are two easy ways to die in the desert: thirst and drowning." Oh shit.

ordinary moments

There is a lot I want to write right now and a lot I don't want to write right now. Oh boy. I just reminded myself of that line from Best in Show when the busty character Sherri Ann Cabot says, "We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about." Quotes, man.

What happens when the masks come off and people reveal their true identity? It was a wolf this whole time! A wolf in sheep's clothing. But this wolf is also sometimes truly a sheep. I'm a wolf sometime, right? We can all be wolves sometimes and we can all sometimes wear wolf t-shirts. I can't even begin to know how to approach this subject, so maybe I won't right now. That last sentence reminded me of yet another movie quote, but this time the quote comes from a little film I (and everyone else) like to call The Royal Tenenbaums. Raleigh asks my soul sister Margot, "Have you met someone else?" And dearheart Margot replies, "I couldn't even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question." Quotes, woman.

i love you, joan

“To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” -Joan Didion

hormones and the multiverse

*One of my joys in life is to sit one-on-one with another human (or non-human, too, I suppose) and talk. In a group I get distant, bored, distracted. With just one other person, I am present, intrigued, focused. I'd like to think I am a good listener, too, but it's something I can always improve.

*Remember Home Improvement? Remember how I had dozens of Teen Beat posters of Jonathan Taylor Thomas up on my wall? Remember how having crushes when you were in junior high was so fun because of your raging hormones? Sometimes I miss those raging hormones; sometimes living in a fantasy world is incredibly satisfying, but obviously not for long. To quote some bad bumper sticker somewhere, "Reality is a bitch!" But reality can also be our best friend. And ultimately reality is just reality.

*I'll admit it; I am proud of my #multiverse tweets. Oh god, did I just admit that? Am I really caught up in the Twitter Universe? Yes, but somewhere in another universe, I am totally not seduced by such a world. #multiverse

*You can call this a life goal if you must, but a life goal of mine is to live in Southern Utah and/or New Mexico. I could explain why, but if you have ever been to either of these places, read Edward Abbey, seen a Georgia O'Keeffe painting, and are similar to me in any way, you will understand.

More later. Time for me to browse Amazon and REI online. Thanks, coffee!

current; always

"It was like the classic scene in the movies where one lover is on the train and one is on the platform and the train starts to pull away, and the lover on the platform begins to trot along and then jog and then sprint and then gives up altogether as the train speeds irrevocably off. Except in this case I was all the parts: I was the lover on the platform, I was the lover on the train. And I was also the train."
— Lorrie Moore (A Gate at the Stairs)

better run better run

I think I am addicted.

Last night I was anxious over ________ and caffeinated and incredibly full (which, unfortunately, but honestly, equals guilt in my warped mind), so I went running. I went running for an hour, which isn't an incredibly long time for me, but it is definitely an incredibly long time for someone (aka ME) with a sore (aka VERY SORE) foot. Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb dumb. Today I can hardly walk without wincing in pain. I refuse to let my body breakdown, yet I'm the one causing it to breakdown. Oh, all you people with your healthy feet - how I envy thee.

I miss running without pain. What's the solution? Just stay off of my feet for awhile? But I have no patience these days. I am so antsy pantsy because of ________ and ____________ and ______________________. Yes. Yes, I am addicted to running and endorphins and maybe even a little bit of self-inflicted pain. Maybe there are bigger things to worry about and cooler addictions to have. Right?

333

This is the 333rd post on this little blog of mine. I should make it something spectacular. I should make everything spectacular, but I end up making everything ordinary, which in and of itself is spectacular. The ordinary is extraordinary and so forth. So, let's go forth with this post.

Alone. I know how to be alone. I like being alone. I prefer to be alone. But I also like having the constant reassurance that I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. Call it selfish - because it is. I keep people in my back pocket, so to speak, and convince myself that they will always be there in a moment's notice when being alone gets a little too lonely. Well, lately I have noticed that this system of mine is imperfect. People have their own lives, too, you know. They aren't frozen in time just waiting for me to press a button telling them to come alive and validate me. They have their own messes. They have their own places to be, they have their own places to leave. They have their own longings and fears and phobias and desires. They don't owe me a thing; they don't owe me their undivided love and attention.

But that's still what I crave - love and attention. It is cliche, almost, to say such a thing. It is so obvious. We all crave these things, right? We all want to be reminded, over and over and over again, that we exist, that we are permanent, that we will never go away. We don't want others to go away, either. Stay! I beg silently. Stay. They never will; we never will. And that's the way it's always been (the only thing that is permanent is impermanence, after all) and that's the way it should be. 333.

carnies and feet

Oh, this post is just one shy of 333. I could explain, but I won't. But it has something to do with the suprachiasmatic nucleus.

*My foot hurts. I mean, my foot hurts like a bitch/bastard/asshole. My foot hurts much worse than my toe ever did (if you'll remember, I totally ripped that pretty necessary toenail clean off). It is just a constant soreness that doesn't go away with medication, sitting, elevating, etc. I don't know much about feet and I know you all aren't that interested in the subject of feet (unless I have some podiatrist followers out there... or some feet fetish followers?), so I will stop here and in a vain attempt at alleviating some of the pain go pop some ibuprofen.

*For five hours yesterday I sat at a booth at Orem's Summer Fest. If you know anything about me or have ever even interacted with me for one minute, you will know that groups of people (and just people in general) are not my thing. Summer Fest especially is not my thing. But it went alright, actually. Sure, I felt really old (teenagers calling me "lady") and sure, I felt unattractive (stupid story I won't tell here) and sure, I felt really young (complicated story I won't tell here), but all in all it was fine. I was visited by a friend and we walked around the carnival looking for a very specific and infamous carnie (no, not Rob Carney), but with no luck. And then, alone, I watched the fireworks from my back deck. I didn't watch all of the fireworks because, well, you've seen one firework, you've seen 'em all.

*There's more to say, but our attention spans won't allow me to write more. Later.

h2ohyeah

So a few days ago I wrote a blog that mentioned best buddies and I of course did not include all of my BFFs. For this I regret. For this I will go to hell. Kidding. But I really do feel bad about it. I don't want anyone to think that they aren't (very) important to me. One of those people being Jack Waters. He really has been a vital person in my life. He has been through thick 'n thin with me and for that, among other things, I will always love him.

above all

We all hate things and people, we all love things and people, we all run away and run to places. We are all humans, that's all.

love

I do want to post more often, but the trouble I run into is that I believe every post should be really well written, insightful, full of cleverness, and maybe a pretty picture or two. Well, frankly I will probably not write anything for quite some time if I wait for a post to be all of the above. So here is a post that is none of the above!

*I love breakfast. I love breakfast so much that I fall asleep excited to wake up for breakfast and I literally wake up with a smile on my face because it is BREAKFAST TIME. I would skip lunch and/or dinner before skipping breakfast. I don't know what it is about breakfast that I enjoy so much, but the enjoyment is there and it's not going away anytime soon. Oh no! I hate breakfast! That was quick! Psych. I still love breakfast hardcore. Breakfast.

*Speaking of loving things, I kinda love my new job. Of course, a job is a job and it's always nice to have a day off and/or get off early, but for the most part my job rocks. Sure, I am sometimes (well, all of the time) really, really slow at chopping vegetables and get super nervous when the customer is standing right there watching me make their sandwich/smoothie/vegan nachos, but again, my job overall rocks. Oh yeah, I work at Ginger's Garden Cafe, by the way. I love my coworkers, I love the food, I love some of the customers, and I love free yoga classes. #superlucky

*Okay, let me keep up this whole love high by saying I absolutely love and adore and admire and miss and love my friends. I have been thinking a lot about my best friends lately and how in awe of them I am. They are brilliant - incredible writers, hilarious (pretty much the only people that can make me genuinely laugh on a regular basis), and more talented than 99% of the people I know. You people know Laura Eastin Hymes? She is one my best buddies. And same goes with Mr. Christopher Allman. Beautiful souls.

I just got sweepy. Time for sleep. SO HOT AND BOTHERED FOR BREAKFAST!!!

#bachelorette4life

Dear Mr. Simon has been an incredible person in my life and I can see some kind of tattoo of him on my body in the future. Possibly over my heart because damn he is the love of my life. Speaking of love and hearts and Mr. Paul Simon, I was listening to him today and he summed up everything I have been feeling for the past couple of years (rough years, folks!) when he sang...

Romance is a heartbreaker
I’m not meant to be a homemaker

It was a female speaking in his song (the song being "Darlin Lorraine"), just in case that matters for whatever reason. But anyway, cheers.