Thursday, May 5, 2011

a hillllarrrrious post. kidding. kinda depressing, actually.


This is a word I have been using to describe myself for most of my 27 years. Why is that? Really - I want to know why. What happened to me to make me constantly be very, very, very hard on myself? I actually "succeed" quite a bit. I never once skipped school growing up (or, for us Utahns - "sluffed"). I got excellent grades. I won awards here and there, got leading roles in plays, finished papers and projects, and, you know, graduated from college. Yet still. Yet still.

I still feel like a failure in almost everything I have ever done or tried to do. There is the voice that stays with me like a bad disease reminding me that I could've done better I should've done better you let people down you are selfish you are worthless you are fat you are too awkward to function you are ugly you will never be this or this or this.

And so it has led to this. It has led to me not feeling worthy of any kind of praise or recognition. It has led me to stay in the background, in the shadows, to not even try. I don't know what I am trying to say or prove right now. I sincerely don't want anyone to excessively worry. I am most likely just being a bit dramatic right now (see! there I go again! denying myself the right to feel shitty! making excuses!).

I have just wandered around for almost a decade trying to find myself, waiting for my life to begin. Have I not realized yet that the path is the goal?

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