i miss you (you = a lot of people, everyone ever)

I wish all of us would write without the knowledge that someone else will be reading what we write. I wish we could fearlessly write. Exquisite corpses.

Why does the word "corpse" scare me? Skeletons used to scare me. They still kind of do. I don't want to go into why they scare me because it will scare me, but I will just let you know that it is a really weird (but not scary) story-- that eventually turned scary.

Tonight I went to the Animal Alliance Club movie/fundraiser. We watched Behind the Mask and raised $531. My sister and I went to the bookstore tonight. I bought The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke and Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. It's a magazine. About muscles and cars. Psych. It's about Buddhism. I almost bought the Poets & Writers magazine, but it stressed me out too much.

Writing stresses me out.

But it is also the only thing I can do. I suppose that's why it stresses me out.

My sister and I helped make posters tonight for the campaign. It was so nice of her to let me drag her along. She was a gem.

I absolutely forgot that my name backwards is "gem" until I was reminded about it ever so cutely the other day.

I am a gem.

I drank Egyptian licorice tea tonight instead of stuffing my face and then having to spend two hours at the gym. I am surprised at myself.

Well, Shakespeare, he's in the alley
With his pointed shoes and his bells,
Speaking to some French girl,
Who says she knows me well.

this is just to say

How can people just stare and not say hi back to my polite and cheerful "hello" when they walk into the museum? That is rude, people.

Last night these two sentences made me laugh harder than I have laughed in a very long time: "Welcome to the Pacific. The word has been reached."

I wish I wasn't so awkward and shy around people I don't know that well. I am sure their first (and second and third and fourth...) impression of me is that I am boring. Which perhaps I am. Boring is not bad. But I am seriously not boring. But if I was, I wouldn't have a problem with it (yes I would).

That was Zen, this is Tao. (GET IT????)

I really should call the eye doctor. Tomorrow.

Tattoos: "333" and "holy holy holy"

And then when I say "see you, guys" to the rude museum patrons, they say nothing back. COME ON, YOU GUYS!!! Throw me a bone!

The idea of first impressions is an interesting idea. But in the words of Alex, "Fuck ideas!"

I like that I am becoming comfortable. But I don't ever want to get too comfortable where I no longer sit on the edge of my chair. I always want to be sitting on the edge.

That's what she said.

okay, who wins?

okay, who wins?

this is NOT a post about anthony kiedis. or is it??? no. it is not.

I get daily emails from beliefnet.com and I usually just delete them, but a few days ago I noticed one of their emails was on getting over an emotionally dependent relationship. It caught my eye because, well, I have been going through the "break up" of such a relationship.

I have known Chris for about... four or five years. And in that time, I had grown quite emotionally attached to him. I would rely on him to give me a lot of emotional support. We talked and texted with one another constantly. He knew all of my secrets and everything about me. But then he got a girlfriend. And things inevitably changed. I knew they would. It didn't come as quite a shock to me or anything. And I think I actually handled the sudden change fairly well. Chris is still an important part of my life and always will be, but I have had to get used to the fact that our relationship has changed in very big ways and that I now have to be strong and independent on my own.

But the trouble is... I don't know who to talk to. I feel like whomever I talk to is either burdened by me or is just not that close to me (yet) for me to feel completely open and honest. At the beginning of this year, I became close with a friend of mine I had known for awhile. This happened right around the time that Chris and I stopped being so close. It was nice at the time to have someone there to "catch me", but I think that I put far too much pressure on this person-- I subconsciously turned them into my "new Chris", which means they got a lot of emotional texts from me late at night (among other draining things). When I realized this person was not going to be my new Chris, I started to somewhat panic. I felt so alone and, frankly, mad. And definitely jealous of all of those who have their "emotional strength" friend/significant other. I just want to be able to have someone to "bother" and have them love and support me unconditionally. And I know I have that in my family, which is a great comfort. But there's a difference.

BUT before I freak/phreak all of you out by seeming like a total emotional wreck/dependent basket case, I just want to let you know that on the flip side I am also a really independent person. I have to have my space. I am ultimately a loner. There are just times when I long for that one person that I can go to when I have my many mini-breakdowns. But I am learning little by little to be far more independent in that area and to be much more confident in who I am, which will hopefully reduce the number of breakdowns I have.

Good luck, Meg.

other sunday activities

tea
young @ heart
type type typewriter
cold shower
grocery store to purchase...

*organic bananas
*organic broccoli
*dry roasted edamame
*gum without phenylalanine
*morning star "sausage" patties
*tofurkey (hickory smoked)
*whole wheat tortillas
*organic black currant conserve
*multi-grain bread
*tlc country cheddar crackers
*tlc pumpkin pie bars
*tlc dark chocolate coconut bars
*egyptian licorice tea

$14.09 worth of gas in my car
tabouli salad
awesome lunch
nap
read
write
sonic youth
underline

stephanie meyer sux

Today's meditation was vipassana, which means after I stayed with my breath for awhile, I allowed my thoughts and sensations and whatever else to arise and to see them without any attachment or aversion. What types of thoughts entered into my mind? Well, I had a lot of thoughts about Facebook, which is so depressing in so many ways. And I also had the phrase "Fruity Pebbles-- not fruity" somehow appear in my cereal obsessed mind. Where did that come from??? I am not actually obsessed with cereal as much as I used to be. But that's beside the point.

Being able to go to the library when it's closed is possibly one of my most favorite things to do. I just got back from said library and checked out CDs and DVDs (because who checks out books at a library these days?!? Actually, I do, but I am already reading so so so many books right now such as the TWILIGHT series. PSYCH all of you SO HARD. I can't bare myself to even look at those books, much less touch them, much less read them, much less lustfully lick the books after reading them.). I checked out Joni Mitchell and Miles Davis and Sonic Youth. And then a bunch of depressing documentaries about Sudan. Oh yes, and I picked up some discarded books that I am going to use in a weird ass mind trip art project. And last but not least, I think I saw a ghost holding roses in the bathroom at the library. Happy belated Friday the 13th and Valentine's Day???

i love all of you guys romantically

The UPS man at work always flirts with me. It's funny. Supposedly people call him "Apollo" because he looks like a god, which he doesn't.

Today I went to Good Earth to buy healthy vegan and mostly organic food. I want to be healthy and vegan and mostly organic. But then I came home after grocery shopping and mindlessly ate the crappiest food. I always eat poorly when I am tired-- And after a night of wine and whiskey. Gross. Cool? No. Gross. Numb and dumb.

I am becoming MORE and MORE comfortable with who I am (seriously-- even though it may not seem like it at all). And not just comfortable with myself physically, but I am starting to be okay with being open about the decisions I make and the person I am. I tend to hide things from people for fear of them being disappointed in me, worried, etc. I won't go into too much detail, but basically I feel mostly fine with letting everyone know that I am a Buddha-loving-occasional-wine-drinking-psychedelic gal. Take it or leave it or just check it out for awhile and then return it.

ZzZzZzZZZzzzzZzZz. me just fell asleep. me just turn into cave woman. me just turn into sleepwalking cave womyn with an attitude.

machines have souls

I feel kind of bad that I was so harsh on the Superbowl in one of my previous entries. I don't really have anything against the Superbowl. I don't even care. I think I was just feeling a bit anarchistic(?) that day. So anyway, I am going to see my friend's band tonight at Urban Lounge. Musée Mécanique. Check them out on WIKI-F**KING-PEDIA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mus%C3%A9e_M%C3%A9canique_(band). I have never actually MET this friend, but I have known him for... five years? Four? Long story. Not really THAT long. But long enough that it would be boring to tell it here, on the world wide web of lies. Nobody ever leaves me comments.

just a little something in my eye, just a little depression in my eye. my right eye. my left eye has stigmata. how is that possible? it's not.

I wish there was someone I could be sad to. Today was a good day. It really was. For so many reasons. But it was also a moody day. And at one point it was a cry uncontrollably on my bed for twenty minutes while feeling completely alone day. And I had no idea who to turn to. If I cried to person 1, 1 would be so stressed out and probably get really depressed. If I cried to person 2, 2 would get angry. If I cried to person 3, 3 would have to leave quickly. I also feel like in the past I have been too much of an emotional burden on certain people, so I am trying to be less... Needy? I don't know if "needy" is the right word... But maybe it's the perfect word.

So who to cry to? Maybe I just need to invest in a stuffed animal. Or find a hotline. 1-800-SHOULDER. Perhaps a rug would be the best investment. A rug, a broom, some pills, and sweep sweep smile smile all the while.

this is just to say/write/butcher

I just found a really funny and tiny back-and-forth note tucked away in a William Carlos Williams poetry book I bought at Savers. It was found in between pages 74 and 75, between "This Is Just to Say" and "The Sea-Elephant". And here is what it says:

"Got any buds?" "I'm getting some today. Do you want crip or mexi?" "How much do you get crip for an oz." "$60 an 1/8"

Kids these days with their poetry and pot, their Williams and weed.

I have smoked
the buds
that were in
the shoebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for a really kickass buffet or Pink Floyd light show

Forgive me
they were potent
so fluffy
and so fresh

(My apologies to WCW.)

rosy cheeks vs. skeletor

healthy

unhealthy

good stuff

So everyone knows that my job is ridiculously easy. For 20 hours a week, I sit in front of a computer and a) update my Facebook status, b) do USA Today crossword puzzles, c) read bestweekever.tv, d) post blogs about how easy my job is, or e) none of the above. WELL, this is a trick question because it is actually all of the above. So no matter what, you would get this question wrong. Yet despite this foolproof job, I manage to fool it up. I took ONE bathroom break less than an hour before closing and the two minutes I am gone my boss comes in to find the front desk empty. And I get a "talk" about how I can't leave the front desk. I know, man! I didn't for five hours! But a gal has to empty her bladder sooner or later. But I seriously don't care. I really did just find it funny! And kind of lame... But still funny and overall not a big deal. The new Meg '09 is so chill. Like, nothing's that big of a deal to new Meg '09. I let things roll off my new back and take things in stride. Learn from my mistakes. Be myself. Blah blah blah. I am going to be confident, too. And independent. And hopefully almost phone free (I am being realistic when I say "almost"). AND I am going to be vegan-- More importantly I am actually going to EAT and not WORRY. And I am going to write and type and collage and zine and talk and walk and sit. But I am also going to not put so much pressure on myself, which means that if I don't follow through with one of these "goals", then that's okay.

Ever since Saturday afternoon, I have felt this surge of confidence and independence. And I think it's partially due to a dear No No friend of mine that helped me to "wake up" and see certain patterns and behaviors of mine that were somewhat detrimental to my mental well being. Mowing the grass helped to wake me up, too. Wait, what?!? How could mowing the front lawn possibly expand my mind, man?!? And there is no grass, just snow. What in the world have I been smoking?!? Dope.

i am not a rock, but i am

"You should be an island to yourself, a refuge to yourself, not dependent on any other but taking refuge in the truth and none other than the truth. And how do you become an island and a refuge to yourself?

In this way. You see and contemplate your body as composed of all the forces of the universe. Ardently and mindfully you steer your body-self by restraining your discontent with the world about you. In the same way, observe and contemplate your feelings and use that same ardent restraint and self-possession against enslavement by greed or desire. By seeing attachment to your body and feelings as blocking the truth, you dwell in self-possession and ardent liberation from those ties.

This is how you live as an island to yourself and a refuge to yourself. Whoever dwells in this contemplation, islanded by the truth and taking refuge in the truth--that one will come out of the darkness and into the light."

-Digha Nikaya