restore

Alright, inspiration! You are welcome to come to me now! I have about twenty minutes to pound out a post. Pound out a post? Pound. I shouldn't force it, but I do. I force a lot of things. For example, I force myself to run at least ten miles every goshdarn day. Do you realize how exhausting that is, especially for someone with NO RED BLOOD CELLS? It is awful. I feel better, in a way, after I run -- but only for a short period of time. That's due to the endorphins or whatever. (What if they were called endolphins? Adorable and aquatic.) Then I usually crash and can't do much of anything else for the rest of the day/night. Even taking a quick shower requires caffeine and courage. I become irritable and achy and cold. Hmmm. You'd think I'd get it through my thick and beautiful skull that maaaaybe I should cut back. Maaaaybe I should rest. Maybe I can make more radical choices and actually fight for my life instead of throwing it away on a treadmill.

After yesterday's appointment and peek into what is going on inside of my body, a teeny tiny light bulb went off. And a teeny tiny doorway out of my personal hell opened up. In other words, reality set in. I was able to kinda sorta in my teeny tiny way understand that I am sick. I am sick! Finally! There is a freedom to be found in admitting you are not well. You no longer have to keep up this facade of happy-go-lucky health. You can resign the control you crave and allow yourself to heal. YOU can -- can I? I just realized I started to speak generally... Am I distancing myself from what I know I need to do? I might be. Giving up what has been my go-to defense mechanism for well over 15 years is not quite a walk in the park.

But maybe I should skip the gym and go for a walk in the park. And see the trees and the hundreds of sparrows that gather in the branches. And hear the aspen leaves shiver in the wind. And smell some barbecue somewhere off in the distance. Who is barbecuing in this cold? I don't know, but somebody is. And it makes me hungry and nostalgic for memories I don't have. Maybe I need to let my mind and feet wander again. I haven't done that in too long. My bones ache for it. My soul is searching for space; it is suffocating in my current strict regime. Well, currents can flow into other oceans. My shortness of breath can become deep inhalations -- I just have to make the decision that I will allow myself to be restored.

So today. Today I finally, finally rest.