aversion

I did it! I have successfully turned into the world's worst person! Or at least I feel like I have. I received some not-terribly-wonderful news from my doctor this morning. The bummer news has been the only thing on my mind. It has been hanging over my head and I just can't shake it. In short, I am scared. And when I am scared, I will often express it in anger, whether that is anger towards myself or towards others. Often both. If it is directed towards others, it is usually towards those that are the closest to me. We all do that, right? For whatever reason, it's easier to lash out at those we love than it is to strangers. I think it's because we have faith that our loved ones will forgive us more quickly than the stranger, that they will be more sympathetic and understanding. Maybe not. I don't know.

And I don't know what to do about all of these out-of-control emotions and health concerns that keep popping up. I am entirely overwhelmed. I want to regain control over my life, I want to seek help, I want to get better -- But even making a simple phone call to schedule an appointment with a therapist seems like a monumental task. It would require energy I just don't have anymore. Maybe I'm just being whiny. Maybe I need to toughen up. Maybe this flood of maladies will be the best thing to happen to me.

I feel miles and miles and miles away from me. The word me should be in quotes because, c'mon, do I really know who "me" even is? I apparently don't these days. I buy penny loafers and handbags hoping they will give me an identity. Do they? For a moment. And then the moment passes and I am left clueless with cold toes because I prefer wearing my loafers sockless. Socksless? Soon it will warm up, though, and I won't even think about socks. Hell, I won't even think about loafers. I'll think about being barefoot in some stretch of sand somewhere that is not here. See -- I run away. I have run far away far too often for far too long. It is time for me to stop, turn around, and face myself. It is time for me to take responsibility. It is time for me to own my own life.

"We fear disturbance, change, fear to bring to light and to talk about what is painful. Suffering often feels like failure, but it is actually the door into growth." -May Sarton