guardian

I have a lot on my mind, honey. Honeys. I thought it was "honies," but apparently it's honeys. Like monkeys. Are you a honey or are you a monkey? I spend too much time with kindergarteners, my apologies. I play this game with them where I call them zombie monkeys and they all think it is so funny and one kid refuses to be a zombie monkey. He wants to be Batman instead and so I let him. Why wouldn't I? But back to my mind. And monkeys. (For some reason monkeys have become a recent theme. Well, alright.) I don't know a time when I don't have a lot on my mind. I suppose I should give meditation the old college try again. I suppose I should get more vitamins and minerals and sleep and socialization and teeth checkups and car checkups and so on and so on until my bank account has been drained from fine tuning everything in my life. Guess my second pair of penny loafers will have to wait. I don't want to be greedy.

I just sneezed twice. Damn germy zombie monkey kids. Germy as in they are carriers of a billion zillion germs, not germy as in they are Germans. Maybe some of them are, who knows? Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale. Rough translation: My hovercraft is full of eels. (By the way, I dread the day when I discover that I am related to a lot of Nazis. You never know! Until you do know and then you can never forget. Unless you have severe vitamin deficiencies that cause memory loss.)

Don't complain about work, Meg. Don't give in to temptation.

I began this post claiming that there was a lot on my mind. I wasn't lying, but now I can't seem to come up with anything to say. Do you know how that is? You have entire worlds stored up in your head, but when the time comes to prove this fact, you feel -- or at least appear -- empty. I'm stumped. I guess this concludes the Thursday morning post? I desperately wanted to give you more, dear honey monkeys! I wanted to impart some wisdom or at least some useful tips on how to bake the perfect potato (rub them with olive oil and sprinkle them with salt and pepper). I may have fallen short, but at least you now know how to warn Germans about the eels on your hovercraft. And please trust me when I tell you that one day this bit of information will literally save your life. So I guess I saved your life this morning. I am quite the Schutzengel.