stasis

Growing up in a state of Jell-O molds and chronic unrest, I fell in love with men who knew about shoes and guitar strings, but nothing about caves and mines.

We were always a disaster.

We always left places and each other in a state of disrepair, airing our dirty laundry, giving up fast.

Being an outsider in a state of big business religion and organized family time leaves little to no mess, just unheard confessions and positive vibes.

I said I'd still love them. I said I'm a hopeless cliche, but that it would be worth it in the end.

I wore nice white sandals to a dirty shore by a lake no one likes. I thought I'd look for shells they could use as picks while they write songs denying their origin.

So heavy. Too heavy. They'll never write those songs, I'll never find shells because I'll never go to that lake.

Staying in a state with high altitude and dry summers leaves me with nose bleeds and cracked skin. Falling in love does the same.

blame

Why do I have such deep self-loathing going on lately? It's tiring me the fuck out.

Okay, let me blame a couple of different things/situations that are causing my low self-esteem:

*medication
*caffeine abuse
*stress of moving
*stress of not having a job/income
*modern society
*ancient society (kidding)
*my short hair
*my shallowness
*bad relationships
*abuse in its various forms

Okay, now let me take an honest look and realize that the blame game is all wrong. There is no one/thing/event to blame. By blaming, I keep covering what's there. By blaming, I avoid looking at the situation head on. By blaming, I need not feel whatever it is that I think I don't want to feel. How do I know I don't want to feel it if I don't, well, feel it? What is this feeling, anyway? Can I describe it and see what happens? Sit with it? Investigate? Because maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid. Maybe I would realize that underneath my fragmented, shattered self lies a whole person. My neuroses don't define me, they just control me. I'm the one that allows them to control my thoughts and actions by numbing myself, zoning out, seeking outside reassurance.

I don't want to imply that I am the one to blame. Again, no blaming allowed. Just recognition. Recognition is allowed. I'll be honest, though - a part of me is terrified to find out that I have been perfect all along.

i was on, like, way too happy pills yesterday when i wrote this in my notebook. still, it's nice.

I need to start believing in my basic goodness - and on a gut level, not just intellectually. I need to start seeing myself as a person worthy of respect, kindness, and love. I need to realize that everything I ever need is right here, right now.

We are not damaged. We are not lacking.

We are hope, we are beauty, we are miracles. Each moment is a wonder waiting to be discovered. You are loved. You are love. Believe it and then live it.

coffee fueled post

Me in 2009: BLIND

Me in 2007: thought I was invincible

Me in 2005: healthy

Me in 2003: lonely

Me in 2001: utterly naive

Me in 1999: I seriously can't remember that far back

Me right now: coming to the realization that this post is severely lacking, so I'll make up for it by including a picture of a cat with human eyes

egg-xactly

This may just be the various substances talking, but I am fairly hopeful about the future. And I know, I know, Pema Chodron (Wikipedia her if you don't know who she is, folks), you tell me to abandon hope. And I get what you are saying and I agree with you and so forth. But right now I like this hopeful feeling. I like that I am in a better spot. I like that certain people exist - it evens things out, you know? Like, awful people can exist in this world, but so can terribly terrific people. And those good eggs make my day. Thank you, eggs.

crutch

Last night I dreamt I was in a beautifully well-adjusted lesbian relationship. Or rather, a relationship with a woman, with another person. There was excitement, butterflies were present, we were aware of and kind to one another. It was a simple, storybook love. That is what I have been searching for. I long for that kind of peaceful connection, that utter contentment.

I thought I had found this ideal relationship with a few men, but no. There was ______. I've been struggling lately with the unraveling of us. I mourn for what could have been. But I have a sneaking suspicion that what I really miss is that security of having someone there to constantly validate me and remind me of my existence. And yes, I do miss ______ as a person. He and I did have a unique and tender connection, yet I find myself romanticizing too much about our relationship.

Isn't that what always happens? People break up for specific reasons, forget those reasons, begin missing the other person, become unreasonable and get back together and then remember all of the reasons they broke up in the first place - and then break up again. Silly cycle.

I believe this is what I am doing with ______. This is probably what I am doing with a lot of past lovers. So yes, I realize this, but I still become highly irrational at times, especially late at night and while tipsy. We're all slightly dramatic at those times, no?

So.

So what do I do?

Perhaps I make a conscious effort throughout the day to pause. Simply pause. Pause to remind myself to breathe. Pause to remind myself that I am here, not there, then, there, or somewhere way over there. Pause to slow down. Maybe I should write down all of the reasons why ______ and I don't work - you know, as a reminder.

Let's see... I could also learn to be alone.

I could learn to (warning: cliche up ahead) love myself. I could accept myself and the fact of my existence without the help of another soul, which isn't to say I should shut myself off to the help of others or to the idea/possibility of falling in love again, but I should be able to confidently stand on my own two feet without the crutch of validation from others.

Now is the time to improve my life and all of my relationships - my relationships with lovers, past events, family, friends, my body, and myself.

repeat/knot

Repeat Repeat Repeat.

Repeat what?

Mistakes? Scenarios? Words? Obsessions? Thoughts? Moods? Decisions? People? Places? Moments? Sounds? Smells? Feelings? Operations, executions, dialogue, discoveries, remarks, criticisms, sex, despair, longings, desires, disgust, fears, hopes, dreams, nightmares, anxiety, nerves, fashion, art, music, lists, questions, answers, tones, meltdowns, breakdowns, downs, ups, hungers, illness, kindness, ologies, trash, treasure, recoveries, deaths, births?

It feels all repeated, but always new, unaware of what's to come next - but what comes next came before and what is now is never now, only a cocktail of past and future. There's nothing to untangle - the knot is not imperfect. The knot is it. It is all the knot.