burdens far beyond the intransitive

My dad has been recommending a book to me for some time now. I found it the other day at a used bookstore and started reading it last night. It is one of the best books I have ever read. Granted, I haven't finished it yet, but even if the rest of the book is complete crap, it will still be one of my favorites. And I read a lot of books. AND I am pretty picky when it comes to claiming a book is a favorite. Are you ready to find out what this book is? I bet you are shaking with excitement. I bet you are barely breathing because you can't stand the suspense. Well, shake no more and start breathing again-- the book is Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried. It is about the Vietnam War and the people involved in the war. It gave me a new perspective on what it was like for the soldiers (my dad being one of those soldiers) and what they had to carry with them during and well after the war. Everyone has their own stories, their own pebbles, their own childhood dreams, their own tunnels. The Things They Carried does not romanticize or hide anything; it lays everything out and leaves me in tears. It's worth your time, so please pick it up.

Go ahead.

binding

So I am back from my first camping trip of the year.

I thought that it would be a trip that provide me with "signs" which would subsequently open my eyes to everything I have been blind to--to the things that matter, to the paths I should take, to the people I should hang on to and let go.

But instead it was overshadowed by incredibly intense, vivid, and dark dreams. If I was smarter, I would look at these dreams as the sign. OR if I was wiser, I would realize that it is pointless to rely on or look for signs. That there are no need for signs. But I can't let go of my mystical Mormon upbringing. Hell, I will still sometimes utter certain prayers/phrases when I am terrified. By the power of Jesus Christ...

Religious blog post will be postponed for later, no worries.

Anyway, I think my caffeine buzz is dying. I no longer have interest in writing, just sleeping. What was I trying to "get at" in this post? Should I confess? Do I tell the details of my delusion? Will it even matter? I had good feelings about her this morning, while still resting in the haze of the unconscious mind. I thought we might be friends. I thought we would be those two with that too-crazy-to-believe-past that would, in an odd way, solidify our closeness. I thought it might be nice.

And then the desert air (biting at nearly 6000 feet) slapped me awake and I sighed with the realization that, no, that's not what either of us want. But do we need it? Hell if I know. We are all so peculiar, particular, private; we paint our tragedies perfectly without ever knowing where our mediums came from. The emptiness of the desert can only be captured an infinite number of ways, you know.

Dear Me and You,

"Negative thoughts and emotions undermine the very causes of peace and happiness. In fact, when we think properly, it is totally illogical to seek happiness if we do nothing to restrain angry, spiteful, and malicious thoughts and emotions." --the Dalai Lama

Dear Beauty Myth,

I will not allow you to make me feel guilty for having a bowl of generic Cheerios at one in the A.M.
You're not welcome,
Meghan

soon i will be buying loads and loads of (pizza) dough with dough (aka money)

Following my old friend ("old" as in "friends for a long time," although I suppose to someone around the age of six, he is "old" as in "elderly") Christopher's advice, I just signed up for food stamps. Now I have to go in for an interview sometime soon. It was "hella" easy to apply, but I just hope I answered all of the questions correctly. I was not sure of some of the answers, so I just took a guess. But sometimes guesses get one sent to the slammer. I sure hope I don't get sent to the dog house. It would sure put a damper on my summer.

Hey, government-- I am an honest chick! Don't have me arrested! Arrest the real criminals! You know, like those who get all touchy feely!

things to do this summer

*bake and cook and eat what I bake and cook
*prevent osteoporosis
*run a marathon
*read a lot a lot a lot
*make zines
*make collages
*camp like crazy
*learn and do yoga
*paint our apartment
*meditate regularly
*become more compassionate
*learn to love myself