Thursday, June 17, 2010

there's no "me" in "hate." but there is "me" in "omelette."

Three highlights from my Colorado trip
1. spending time with my father
2. reconnecting with myself through writing
3. making a vow to work towards self-acceptance and self-love

I continue to see my father regularly and I write in my journal at least once a day, but have I kept my vow to honor and care for myself? Yes and no. But mostly yes. I still slip up, but I am starting to recognize when I slip up. I am starting to see the many, many times when I doubt myself, feel unnecessary guilt, or apologize for virtually nothing. I am beginning to see how my own self loathing affects the lives of those around me. The hard part is to not get down on myself for getting down on myself. Does that make sense? For example, I will feel guilty for feeling guilty. I will tell myself, "You are such a failure at self-love! I can't believe you can't even love yourself. You can't do anything right, can you?" Okay, so it's not always that dramatic, but close. Just ask Jack. He's had to put up with a lot of the crap I give myself. No, not "put up with," but rather "actively try to stop." I can tell he, along with others close to me, cares deeply about my happiness and well-being. And, well, damnit, so should I. Enough of being my own worst enemy and time to start being my own best friend. Yes, this sounds a tad self-helpy, but what's the big deal with that? Frankly, we can't help anyone else until we help ourselves. And am I going to help myself right now to a rice cake with almond butter spread on top? Eff yeah, man. Love you. And me.

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