Wednesday, June 23, 2010

please don't delete again... crossing fingers...

Well, damnit.

I just typed an incredibly long post and of course it got deleted.

Why am I in such a constant state of agitation this week? Last week I was full of equanimity. I finally felt good. At peace. Kind. Patient. Yadda yadda yadda. I was treating myself well. I was treating other people well. I didn't get upset in traffic. I could shop at a mall without getting distraught. I thought, "Yeah, this meditation thing has sure turned me into a new woman!" Buddha Meg.

Then this week happened. Nothing in particular happened, but my mood sure did a 180. That is math talk for "my mood is the opposite as what it was before." I get frustrated. I become easily upset by virtually nothing and then say things that are hurtful. It doesn't even feel like I am being "me," whoever that is. I feel out of control, frankly. But then again, I felt a bit "out of control" and not like myself during my week of equanimity, too. I felt a bit... fake. And almost a little too peaceful, if that is possible. But at least it was better than feeling like I want to key someone's car and punch a brick wall.

So what's the explanation for this sudden change? Could it be caffeine? Yeah, I think that contributes greatly to everything, actually. Maybe it was my Wendover trip that threw me off balance? Uh, could it be close to my time of the month? Well, no, so don't throw out the "oh, she's just PMSing" shiz. Was I (and am I still?) attached to that feeling of imperturbability that the moment it wasn't quite there I freaked out? Ai yi yi. I dunno. For now, I will seriously lay off of the caffeine and stay away from any brick walls.

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