a post about nickelback

I will not let the fact that it is 1:08am stop me from enjoying a snack. I am going to enjoy my sesame tamari organic rice cakes with sunflower seed butter and blackberries and almond milk, damnit! And you, Ed, cannot stop me! And yes, I do realize how uninteresting my middle-of-the-night-snack sounds, but it tastes so interesting! It tastes like sweetened cardboard and milk gone weird! My heaven.

please don't delete again... crossing fingers...

Well, damnit.

I just typed an incredibly long post and of course it got deleted.

Why am I in such a constant state of agitation this week? Last week I was full of equanimity. I finally felt good. At peace. Kind. Patient. Yadda yadda yadda. I was treating myself well. I was treating other people well. I didn't get upset in traffic. I could shop at a mall without getting distraught. I thought, "Yeah, this meditation thing has sure turned me into a new woman!" Buddha Meg.

Then this week happened. Nothing in particular happened, but my mood sure did a 180. That is math talk for "my mood is the opposite as what it was before." I get frustrated. I become easily upset by virtually nothing and then say things that are hurtful. It doesn't even feel like I am being "me," whoever that is. I feel out of control, frankly. But then again, I felt a bit "out of control" and not like myself during my week of equanimity, too. I felt a bit... fake. And almost a little too peaceful, if that is possible. But at least it was better than feeling like I want to key someone's car and punch a brick wall.

So what's the explanation for this sudden change? Could it be caffeine? Yeah, I think that contributes greatly to everything, actually. Maybe it was my Wendover trip that threw me off balance? Uh, could it be close to my time of the month? Well, no, so don't throw out the "oh, she's just PMSing" shiz. Was I (and am I still?) attached to that feeling of imperturbability that the moment it wasn't quite there I freaked out? Ai yi yi. I dunno. For now, I will seriously lay off of the caffeine and stay away from any brick walls.

there's no "me" in "hate." but there is "me" in "omelette."

Three highlights from my Colorado trip
1. spending time with my father
2. reconnecting with myself through writing
3. making a vow to work towards self-acceptance and self-love

I continue to see my father regularly and I write in my journal at least once a day, but have I kept my vow to honor and care for myself? Yes and no. But mostly yes. I still slip up, but I am starting to recognize when I slip up. I am starting to see the many, many times when I doubt myself, feel unnecessary guilt, or apologize for virtually nothing. I am beginning to see how my own self loathing affects the lives of those around me. The hard part is to not get down on myself for getting down on myself. Does that make sense? For example, I will feel guilty for feeling guilty. I will tell myself, "You are such a failure at self-love! I can't believe you can't even love yourself. You can't do anything right, can you?" Okay, so it's not always that dramatic, but close. Just ask Jack. He's had to put up with a lot of the crap I give myself. No, not "put up with," but rather "actively try to stop." I can tell he, along with others close to me, cares deeply about my happiness and well-being. And, well, damnit, so should I. Enough of being my own worst enemy and time to start being my own best friend. Yes, this sounds a tad self-helpy, but what's the big deal with that? Frankly, we can't help anyone else until we help ourselves. And am I going to help myself right now to a rice cake with almond butter spread on top? Eff yeah, man. Love you. And me.

next time they'll open the trunk to find a rattlesnake and a can of whoop ass

Some hoodlums who apparently love an outdated way to listen to music broke into my car sometime yesterday (or this morning???) and stole three CD cases from my trunk. It sucks, yes, but the CDs weren't really worth much. Of course, there are the handful of CDs that were mixes given to me by other people that I really hate to see gone, but overall it could have been worse. The thing I disliked the most is the creepy feeling of someone in my car, snooping around, and taking what's not theirs. That violated feeling, you know? But dearheart Jack cheered me up with a new CD wallet and a bajillion blank CDs. And a pack of gum. Take THAT, juvenile delinquent who is now listening to a bunch of scratched mixes I made four years ago! Hope you like a shit ton of Rilo Kiley.

barely an introduction

I am back from Colorado and had an amazing time. Since early Monday morning (June 7), I have been miserably sick. I am actually sitting up now and am somewhat motivated to do things (such as blog, color mandalas, and try to suppress a tidal wave of anxiety headed my way), but I still need to take it easy. I am not sure what ails me. Maybe the flu? A mix of food poisoning and dehydration? Bieber Fever? Anyway, you didn't come here to be bored with mopey sickness talk. You came here to hear all about my Buddhist retreat adventures, right?! Yeah! But maybe that will have to wait. I am startin' to feel all queasy and woozy again. A bath, not a blog, should cure (or at least curb) these feelings.