Wednesday, February 24, 2010

calories killories can'tstandories goawayories oreos

My eating disorder is starting to creep back into my life. Not like it ever really left or anything, but I find myself lately wanting to exercise to excess and feeling guilty if I only get in an hour of exercise a day. I keep snacking, even when not hungry and then feel guilty about it. I forget what constitutes as a "real meal" and feel guilty if I eat less than four hours after my last "meal." I write strict meal plans and then feel guilty if I stray even a tiny bit from the meal plans. And yes, I do feel fat in these jeans.

Another red flag is that I would rather exercise when I feel like I have eaten too much than do pretty much anything else in the world. Hang out with friends? Not if I had an extra popsicle after dinner. Get some very important homework done? Only if I ate 1500 calories that day and went to the gym. Relax and read a book? Hey, I can read a book on the elliptical.

I am not going to offer some kind of solution to these problems in this post. Because I don't know what the solution is. I just wanna be normal. (But these obsessions could be the "norm," right? Scary.)

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