anxietation

today while i was meditating i experienced more concentration than usual and waves of anxiety. most of the time i feel rested and peaceful after meditation, but today i was left feeling a bit on edge. i wondered why meditation would do this, and after looking into it (aka googling it), i think that part of my problem is that i am still a beginner meditator. the mind has many different layers of awareness and when certain layers of ignorance are being threatened by meditation, the mind wants to stop the meditation from going any further. these negative mental states are known in buddhism as the five hindrances. the five hindrances are sensual desire (craving for pleasure to the senses), anger or ill-will (feelings of malice directed toward others), sloth-torpor or boredom (half-hearted action with little or no concentration), restlessness-worry (the inability to calm the mind), and doubt (lack of conviction or trust). i have read that if one does not recognize these hindrances during their practice, then it is "mis-meditating". yet to recognize their presence will lead to "purification of the mind". i found myself recognizing my anxiety (or "restlessness-worry") today and tried to acknowledge it without seeing it as good/bad. i gained some fairly good insight by doing this, but i still have a lot to learn. my mind is full of a lot of hindrances these days. and also a lot of made up punk music. somehow i compose punk songs in my head on a daily basis.

oh yeah, i could also be anxious because i have recently started to ween myself (probably a bit carelessly) off of wellbutrin. meh. (i never use the word "meh", but i suppose i should now because it was just added to the dictionary. what dictionary? i don't know. and why do i feel the need to use a word just because it is a new addition to a phantom dictionary? i don't know that, either.)

namaste.

panopea abrupta

last saturday i went to olympia, washington with my dad to check out the evergreen state college. i was almost one hundred percent sure that i was going to move to olympia in january, but now i am not so sure. after much thought and discussion with my pops, i think the best thing for me to do right now would be to finish my english degree at uvu since i am probably hella close to graduating- and it would be much cheaper. then after i graduate, i can think about going to grad school at evergreen and getting my masters in public administration. i have also been looking into naropa university in colorado for grad school. if i went there, i would probably get my masters in either creative writing, writing and poetics, or religious studies. i can't remember what my point was of this entry... maybe it was to tell you that the geoduck (pronounced "gooey-duck") is the world's largest burrowing bivalve. here is a picture of me holding a medium sized geoduck.

eat your heart out.

cuneiform- more like CUTIEform

i am about 97% sure most of you out there have wondered what my name looks like written in cuneiform, the ideographic and syllabic writing system in which the ancient babylonian language was written. heeeeeere it is!!!

also, i love classical music. it makes me want to be an agreeable lady.

books seduce/reduce/produce

just read
willard and his bowling trophies by richard brautigan
big sur by jack kerouac
alma 30:23-31 by man with a top hat covering his face
currently reading
the ethics of what we eat by peter singer and jim mason
desolation angels by jack kerouac
to read
the rest of the electric kool-aid acid test by tom wolfe
nausea by jean-paul sartre
the audacity of hope by some barack dude
will never read
her fog and pearls blog

angelheaded

i love these guys.

amenity motor inn, room 111

seven things i remember about this night:
1. discussing how sad it is that myspace is becoming like facebook
2. discussing kerouac, ginsberg, burroughs, and ferlinghetti (and pretending like i was super smart, duh)
3. discussing drew danburry
4. discussing devendra banhart
5. discussing the similarities between drew and devendra- drewvendra banburry
6. discussing proposition 8
7. discussing korihor, the antichrist*



*korihor- not a bad guy. actually has quite the rational, intelligent argument. thank you for pointing out this chapter, isaac. things like this just tickle my fancy. if you want to check out the korihor chapter, it is in alma 30. or just copy/paste this link: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/alma/30.

je regrette, mais je ne suis pas libre

okay, so i may have gone a little overboard in my last post. but maybe not.

the word "delirium" is stuck in my head. and my head is stuck in a delirium. coincidence? no such thing.

i am obsessed with atlases. or is it atli? no, that's crazy/crazi.

our mind is something we try to pinpoint. we poke and prod and wonder and wreck. we analyze and desensitize, trivialize and justify.

but why?

isaac, jake, and chris (and anybody else, of course)- answer this.

thank you, god and buddha and krishna and oprah and everyone ever oh man i am so freaking happy right now in your face everyone in my class YES!!!

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY.

we're hiding like elephants when they're happy

this was quite the perfect way to spend a rainy sunday.

for many reasons that i shall not discuss right now, this movie breaks my heart. especially any scene involving the bathroom and the mirror.

the witching hour

so i ended up not going as my dear miss daisy for halloween. instead i went as "me putting on a halloween themed vest and taking pictures for my blog". i suck.