Tuesday, December 9, 2014


Who I am. The basics.

I grew up in Pleasant Grove, Utah. Below the canal. The rich lived above the canal. Our neighbors had a farm. I remember feeding horses the apples from our tree in the backyard. Our next door neighbors' house burned down when I was 13. When we sold my childhood home, the new owners painted the previously brown house a salmon color. It has been almost 8 years since we moved. I still dream about that home, but not as often these days.

I have a college degree. I'm proud of that. I forget that I'm proud of that.

I'm a generally anxious person. I'm not proud of that. But I'm not ashamed, either. I just wish all of the anxiety would go away.

I like to spend my time outside, usually alone, and with a book. Maybe a notebook. I don't write as much as I used to. I wish I did. I wish I wrote more, had less anxiety, and could actually use my college degree to pay the bills. I wish I had fewer bills and more willpower. I wish apples didn't come individually wrapped, like they do in some stores and in some schools. I wish schools, specifically universities, cost ZERO dollars because then I would go back and get TWENTY more degrees. I would get a degree in religious studies, art, art history, theater, environmental studies, geology, anthropology, psychology, all of the -ologies, and philosophy. And more. I like to have conversations, real ones, real heart-to-heart ones, with another soul. So yes, I like being alone, but if I can connect on a deeper level with a human? Well, goshdammit, that's the greatest feeling. I miss it.

I try on identities like some people try on shoes. It has always left me feeling a bit nutty and groundless. Where is my parachute, you know? And why do I keep jumping out of these planes?

I dyed my hair dark and impulsively cut bangs and I've been in a pissy mood because of it for weeks now. And that's stupid. And it goes deeper than hair color and baby bangs. Or does it? Am I just a mass of shallowness?

I've never had the desire to go to Hawaii. I mean, it looks gorgeous and if anyone offered me a free trip to Hawaii I wouldn't be upset. But it's never been on my list of top 20 places to visit. I actually don't have a list of top 20 places to visit, but if I did, Hawaii wouldn't be on it.

I also have never had the desire to get married, although I think I eventually will.

I have a lot of desire for other things, however, and it probably causes me to suffer. Riiiight, Mr. Buddha???

More. Later. Love you. Always.

No comments: