floofy

My posts feel a weeeee bit too abstract and floofy (floofy!) these days. I enjoy writing like that, occasionally, but I also feel like it's a shield. I lead the reader into a maze of sorts so that I can lose myself in the process. Getting lost is an escape. Escaping is protecting. From what am I protecting myself? Or from whom?

Shields and mazes and escapes are not inherently "bad." Often they can be wonderful tools. I feel, however, that I am using these tools to distance myself from myself, when what I need most desperately is to return return return.

Right now I am tempted to write something poetic and, well, floofy about shields and mazes and maybe even tools. The hammer, perhaps? A screw? I'd sprinkle it with sawdust (aka METAPHORS) and maybe an illusion or two and a few quirky scenarios. Then poof! The floof would be published and I'd sit back in my IKEA chair and consider my work for the day done.

But I don't want to do that, not right now.

I want to admit things to myself and to you using plain language! I want to tell you how I am excited to move back to Utah County and how I thought I would never ever ever say that and how I do not look at it as a step backwards, but a huge leap into the world of faith. I want to confess that I am rediscovering (or discovering for the first time?) faith. I want to let you know that it terrifies me. I want to be safe within science, but I am finding it more and more difficult to deny a deity.

I guess I do tell myself and you these things. I share them with shields, amazed at the mazes I create. We can follow a path with our fingertip. We can find a route out.