oui

I believe burgers turn me manic. Or at least the hamburger I had today (!!!) seems to have had a strange and mostly welcome effect on my mood and body. I guess that's what food does. Food kinda, you know, gives us fuel. Who knew? Apparently I didn't for 15+ years. Has it been 15 years since I first failed to remember the purpose of food? Longer? I am going to go ahead and say longer. I'm older than I realize. There have been a lot of realizations happening in my life lately, no? Yes.

Yes. Yes is a word and an action I will start saying and doing more of now. Mostly because I need to balance out all of the nos I've allowed to pile up in my life. (I guess if there's clutter, I should discard instead of balance... But maybe the yeses are housekeepers of my life? Imagine whatever I am writing right now makes sense. You'll be doing both of us a favor.)

I will say YES to the following:

*Food. Just any and all food right now. I cannot place restrictions or limits on my food choices right now until I have developed a healthy relationship to food. I have to put a stop to the food police -- in fact, it would be best if I just shut down the entire food police department. Can one seemingly quiet girl take down an entire institution? Yes. Just watch me.

*Travel. I didn't quite grasp how much of a grasp my eating disorder had on me and virtually every decision in my life I made until very recently. Bummer. It has prevented me from taking chances, from being spontaneous, from going and seeing and doing and, well, living. I ask myself what I would do if I didn't have an ED and one of the first things I think of is travel. Travel to places that might not have a Planet Fitness, places that might have rich, decadent dishes, places that might (and should) shake up my schedule and throw me headfirst into new situations. So yes, buy me that train ticket and get me outta town and outta this suffocating comfort zone.

*Relationships. Now let me be clear that I'm not talking exclusively of romantic relationships. In fact, at this point I'd rather develop strong, solid friendships before I jump into that blackhole world of dating. No longer will I isolate myself in a rigid world of pointless rituals and harmful habits. Humans need interaction with other humans in order to, well, survive. And I'm totally all about surviving these days.

OKAY! MUST GO OUTSIDE! I end every post in a panic about getting outside. I realize this. I will also not apologize for this.

<3