omg sad entry lol

okay okay okay-- prepare yourself. this is an entry about EaTiNg DiSoRdErS. we've all got 'em. or at least we all had 'em at some point. maybe we all got over 'em once we got out of high school. but not this girl.

ever since i was... seven? eight? i have had irrational fears about my weight and what i ate. i remember writing in a journal when i was ten about how i needed to exercise a lot so that my boyfriend josh would like me. i remember the smell of bacon made me hysterical because i thought i was going to gain weight just by smelling it. i remember my heart beating irregularly after running for hours-- running just so i could burn off the small bowl of grape nuts that i had earlier in the day. i remember wearing a gold bikini and standing in front of some sleazy modeling agent and having her tell me that i needed to lose some body fat-- i remember i refused to eat dinner that night. i remember not having my period for almost a year-- and not caring. i remember chewing food and then spitting it out so that i could enjoy the taste, but not actually consume very many calories. i remember throwing up countless times-- so much that my throat would be sore the next day and my glands would be swollen. i remember taking adderall to suppress my appetite. i remember wanting to start smoking so that i could suppress my appetite. i remember having to jump rope a thousand times (at least) after feeling guilty for chewing a piece of gum. i remember overhearing distant relatives at my grandma's funeral say that i was so skinny-- and it delighted me. i remember many times when friends would say that my cheeks look sunken in or that i look emaciated-- and it delighted me. i remember oh so much more, but oh it has gotten oh so dramatic, oh so i shall stop remembering here on a blog.

what was my point? i think i just want to lay all of this out on the table. i want to rid myself of this worst best friend for once and for all. it's so outrageously hard, though. i know i know i know-- there's a lot more in life than what one looks like on the outside, what one weights, etc. but i don't think this has everything to do with looks. i think a lot of my eating disorder has to do with control, masochism, perfectionism, and other such things. i just feel like i can't live my life like this for very much longer. it takes up an amazing amount of energy to have an eating disorder. it consumes my entire day and all of my thoughts. i miss out on a lot of great things because of this disorder.

but i am complaining too much. i know other people have had it MUCH more worse than i have. and i need to stop wa wa wa-ing about everything and just snap out of it. ha! but that's the thing-- it's like telling someone who is depressed or who has diabetes to just "snap out of it". it's more complicated than that... right?

i have been working hard on it, though. but i feel so all alone.

sparkling

ever since school ended and winter break '08 started, things have been so wacky and mind expanding and exhausting and wacky and full of language and columns of air and glow sticks and dylan and bald eagles and time and the lack of time and the existence of time and the non-existence of everything and a little bit of snow.

everything about winter break '08 is completely different from winter break '07 in the best and worst ways possible. i have reached a few plateaus and am starting to itch...

i ain't got no home in this world anymore

praise jesus and buddha that i am finally done with this semester. it has yet to sink in that i will no longer have to go to class for four hours each day and spend it with woman who are nice and everything, but also really into things like twilight and scrapbooking.

the happiness that comes with the semester being over with is being overshadowed with the sheer terror i feel whenever i have to drive in the snow. also, there is some sweaty dude in the computer lab that keeps clearing his throat every... three seconds? it's like, dude- get a drink. it is driving me insane. and some computer keeps beeping, which is also driving me insane, but not as insane as the sweaty throat clearing. good thing i have my ipod, though. but i can still hear his throat over dylan's "girl from the north country fair". i should probably just leave the computer lab anyway and go sell my books back. i wonder how much of the three hundred dollars i will get back? my guess is that by some christmas miracle i will get five hundred dollars back and receive a fruit basket.

crossing my fingers.

school or enrichment night? is there a difference?

it is the biggest relief to know that tomorrow is my last day of finals and that i will be DONE with the elementary ed program. i know i have given the program a hard time lately... it really is a good program for those who are programmed to be elementary school teachers. the thing is, i'm not programmed for such a thing. i hope i'm not programmed to be anything (except for maybe a lion tamer).

i found out yesterday that i will graduate with an english degree in fall of 2009. finally. and then what do i do after i graduate? great question. maybe learn german. eventually go to grad school. become a nomad. frequently host ladylike tea parties.

yesterday a girl in my class said that the grand canyon was created by heavenly father, not erosion.

24 hours and counting...

lately

arthur/trig

sunday night i had two pretty awesome dreams. in the first dream, i was living on a boat in hawaii with arthur, chaunte, and laura. arthur had these yellow pills that when swallowed would lead to suffocation. he kept taking them and i kept having to save him. okay, that was boring. but in the second (and coolest) dream, a shit load of politicians came over to my house. just to hang out. who was there? well... barack, hillary, dicky cheney, mccain the maverick, the maverick's wife cindy, mo rocco, steven colbert, a bunch of secret servicemen, and trig palin. okay, so not all of those people are politicians. but that's not the point. the point is that barack and hillary were so chummy and nice to me, dick was a dick, the maverick was a grumpy old gramps with his teeth in a glass, and trig had the largest biceps i have ever seen on a downs baby. or on a baby in general. or on anyone in general. or on a general. i gave them all christmas presents and begged them to stay. well, i begged barack and hillary to stay. dick can go fly a kite.

woodbury/would berry/waaaaassssup

my job is so weird. but i actually really like it. it is perfect for me- little interaction with people, quiet, time to do homework (lame) or listen to urban dharma the podcast (awesome), free food in the back. oh, and some pretty cool works of art. AND access to the storage room of the mall, which is huge and holds a lot of odd and slightly terrifying decorations. my job reminds me a lot of this book:

peace, brothers.