People talk about making lifestyle changes first before medication. And usually I would agree with them wholeheartedly. But what happens when the depression wipes out any and all concentration, motivation, and desire? A cup of coffee and some pep pills can only flow through my bloodstream for so long until they wear off and I'm left an anxious pile of passivity. In other words, forcing myself to get up and take those first steps to becoming productive is next to impossible. I wish more people would sympathize with and understand this. Instead, I feel as if I come across as "weak" and "lazy" for turning to prescription drugs. "They aren't a crutch, Meghan, they are a last resort." No, that's where you are wrong and insensitive. They are a crutch and they are not a last resort.
That being said, I am still conflicted. I spent a good decade of my life on antidepressants and am still dissecting those years. Were they years that were lived in a haze or would I have been in a haze without my medication? There is virtually no way to know since the way it happened is the only way I know. Perhaps the one thing that nags at me the most is that I took these pills during my formative years. My late teens/early twenties was spent medicated, a period of time when I was also trying to develop an identity and "come into my own." Did the medication interfere with that development? Am I left standing at the doorway to my thirties still unsure of who I am?
Maybe this is why I continue to write on my blog and in my journal. I write to uncover and discover. I write to meet myself. Hello, Meghan. Who are you?